i got this off another forum i am part of... VERY funny imo

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't !&$% with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the $!@% out of little kids.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the !@!@!@ when she didn't give him exact change.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and $!@% on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.

http://images.google.com/images?q=tbn:0Vanmdrg5ZgJ:www.wasteoftechnology.com/

Why the HELL am I laughing so hard at this??

Here's some Vin Diesel ones:

Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

Vin Diesel can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.

If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."

There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. Phuck you, team.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.

When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULLSHIT!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.

Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.

Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin instead.

If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

Vin Diesel coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.

I've seen the Vin Diesel ones before, but the Chuck Norris ones are new to me. Awesome stuff guys, thanks for posting. :thumbsup:

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

http://images.google.com/images?q=tbn:0Vanmdrg5ZgJ:www.wasteoftechnology.com/

I try that with stupid people but I guess I'll need Chuck's help

I am laughing so hard i can't breath and have tears in my eyes!

It's like Die Hard or Lethal Weapon, I keep coming back and enjoying it as if it's the first time!

Holy shit, I've got tears in my eyes from the Chuck Norris jokes

Amazing, simply amazing. I laughed my ass off!

[QUOTE=dmasini]Here's some Vin Diesel ones:

Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

dont you mean no one noticed

LOLOL . . . roundhouse kick to the face

i HATE chuck norris

Lmao :D

i HATE chuck norris

Blasphemy!

i HATE chuck norrisAnd for that comment Chuck Norris will reach through the internet and kill you.

does anyone remember when chuck almost died on walker... they like tied him to the bed with rattlesnakes or somthing... i dont remember how he survived, but now i am guessing it involved a roundhouse kick

LOL

Top 30 Mr. T Facts:


The vegetarian group PETA one time tried to establish the catchprase "We PETA the fool who eats animals." Upon learning of this blatant theft of his catch phrase, Mr. T founded McDonalds.

Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.

Mr. T invented Asian people, because he thinks they're cute and don't take up much room.

Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.

Originally the A-Team was named T-Team and consisted of Mr. T and six of his genetically engineered clones driving around in a van made of pure gold. Producers changed the format after every criminal known to man was killed in the pilot episode.

The reason there are no known photographs in existence of a young Mr. T is that he is over 835 years old, and therefore pre-dates cameras. His age is attributed to Death being too scared of Mr. T to come for him. He tried once, but was pitied like a fool, so went looking instead for the next 'T' in his book, Thomas Beckett.

Mr. T once got into a fight with a ninja. He killed the ninja, but only after the ninja had cut off two of his fingers. Those fingers grew up to be Gary Coleman and Webster.

When Mr. T puts on his dancing shoes, you better f-ing run.

Remember, only you can prevent forest fires. But also remember that you can't do shit, because Mr. T is the one who starts them, and no one can stop that crazy fool.

The last time Mr. T uttered the words, "I pity the fool", a man in Colorado suddenly died for no reason.
Mr T. can fly, or rather levitate, by the simple act of pitying gravity into submission.

As a kid, Mr. T loved to play the game of Hot Potato. Of course, he didn't play with a regular potato. Rather, Mr. T preferred playing with a live hand grenade. Mr. T pities the fool who's no good at hot potato.

God didn't create the world, he only drew the blue prints. Mr. T built the world with his bare hands, an acetylene torch and a 55 gallon drum.

Mr. T's umbilical cord was actually a large gold chain... the medallion didn't grow in until he was 6 months old.

Global warming has been attributed to the glare created from Mr.T's gold necklaces

Mr. T knows the muffin man; he had sex his wife.

85% of shark sitings in the Atlantic Ocean are actually just Mr. T swimming by with his 'Frohawk.

Mr. T was once clocked at 100 fps. That's 100 fools pitied a second.

Mr. T through a rip in time was able to see a future where a horrible virus eats through anyone without tremendous amounts of gold protecting their heads in chain form. Don't believe me? Mr. T was right about the milk wasn't he...?

Mr. T defeated cancer by pitying it into submission. Consequently the first mohawked antibodies were discovered by doctors, but are too helluva tough to be injected into mortals.

Sometimes, it is said, that when you hold a gold chain to your ear you can hear the screams of all the fool's souls that Mr.T has pittied to death.

Mr. T's autobiography, "So Many Fools, Not Enough Pity," was awarded the Pulitzer Prize for its heartwarming and inspiring tales of Mr. T overcoming his fear of flying, and his battle with gold-addiction--as well the sweet tutorial on how to install machine-gun turrets on top of a GMC van using a welding torch, a 55-gallon drum, chicken wire, and skim milk.

According to Mr. T, Jibba Jabba is the official language of 99.9% of the world's population.

Mr. T was originally cast to play "Wolverine" in the movie "X-Men". However, when the director disagreed with his request to change the title to "Mr.T Hates France", razor blades shot out of his knuckles and he killed everyone on set.

Mr. T showers in gas chambers.

Chuck Norris once tried the Stare of Doom on Mr. T. Mr. T's gold reflected the doom, and the resulting carnage caused the melt down at Chernobyl.

Mr. T's denim overalls were tailored by T himself, by welding used military weapons and a lock of MacGyver's hair. T washes them in pure milk.

If at the exact same moment, the same person was pitied by Mr. T and roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, the universe would implode.

In Soviet Russia, the fools pitied Mr. T! This explains why there is no longer a Soviet Russia.

One fool needed so much pitying Mr. T had to take a break and let Chuck Norris pity the fool for awhile, after which Mr. T pitied Chuck because he wasn't wearing enough gold necklaces to properly pity the fool.

Hey I found this link that goes with the other "top 30" posts! Just click "new fact" for the latest facts.

"Chuck Norris is the only male human to give birth. His only child; Vin Diesel."

http://www.4q.cc/chuck/

Read this on another site and thought it was pretty funny!

HUNGARY-- If Hungarian voters have their way then Budapest could be the home for the first bridge in the world to be named after Chuck Norris, the high-kicking star of countless action movies. The Ministry of Economy and Transport could well be kicking itself after the star become an early front runner in an online poll organised by the ministry to name a new bridge across the Danube.
Almost 9000 people have voted for the "Chuck Norris Bridge".

The name was suggested by somebody who said that it would be a good idea because "there is no such bridge in the world and Hungary would be the first".

Hundreds of nominations have been put forward, many of them less than serious.

In second place, only a few hundred votes behind Chuck, is Pato Pal.

Pato Pal was a character in a poem by Hungary's favourite poet Sandor Petoffi, and the name has become synonymous with people who do not want to spend money.

The wag that suggested Pato Pal said that "the name speaks for itself, because the bridge should have been built decades ago."

Szent Istvan, the founder of the Hungarian state, is languishing in ninth place with just over 2000 votes.

However, should Chuck Norris win the vote for the bridge, which is set to open in 2008, the ministry has a get out clause.

The top three names from the list will be added to suggestions from the local councils affected by the bridge, linguists and other experts and go before a government committee for consideration.

The poll closes on September 8.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz steaks in one hour and he spent the first 45 min flirting (cough, cough, doing, cough, cough) with the waitress

Chuck Norris has counted to infinity...TWICE

Gotta bump this cause they are awesome. :D





Vin Diesel can slam a revolving door

Though the media doesn't like to play it up, yes, the Terrorism Alert color-chart does indeed go all the way up to Vin Diesel.

Sometimes you feel like a nut. Sometimes Vin Diesel eats your children.

If you play Pink Floyd's 'Dark Side of the Moon' album whilst watching 'The Wizard of Oz' on the TV with no sound, Dorothy will turn into Vin Diesel and rape all the Munchkins.

Vin Diesel speaks in Dolby 5.1 surround sound.

Vin Diesel enjoys his coffee black and served in the skulls of his enemies.

Vin Diesel eats a dozen babies lubed in motor oil for lunch and washes them down with asbestos, and doesn't even care.





Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.

Chuck Norris doesn't himself WWJD. Jesus asks himself WWCND. Of course the answer is always a devistating roundhouse kick to the face.