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I just had the same issue last night...tried jump starting it and the same issues with the crazy gauges and red blinking theft light.
Do you think this would be the same solution as below?
http://www.explorerforum.com/forums/showthread.php?t=309103&highlight=%22theft%22
Just last night i had similar issues. Everything was totally dead but the theft light was blinking red. I tried to jump it and lights came on but would not start. just clicked...
