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Exploring every thing under the sun!! A general forum for whatever you would like to post. Humor, anecdotes, non-controversial news items, etc.

Today's Day Brightener

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Old 05-19-2000, 10:09 AM   #1
GJarrett
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I'll bet others also use this site for their home page. May I suggest a daily joke to start the workday right. Yet another excuse to spend more time on this site and get in trouble at work .

I'll start today's, and whoever the early birds are can submit a favorite on subsequent days. Good ideas would be lists like the one I am about to share, so others can use their imagination and add to the list, etc.; or other funny stuff like your favorite Darwin Award winner or lawyer joke.

NOTE: I will immediately delete anything over a PG-13 rating or that contains any offensive, sensitive, or vulgar content or language. Don't even try it.

Have a nice day!

TEN REASONS WHY A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN:
1. You can buy a silencer for a handgun.
2. You can trade a .44 for two .22's.
3. If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will be impressed and let you try a few rounds with it.
4. Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.
5. Your handgun will stay with you even if you are out of ammo.
6. A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
7. Handguns function normally every day of the month.
8. A handgun won't ask, "Do these grips make me look fat?"
9. A handgun does not mind if you go to sleep after you're done using it.
10. You can have more than one handgun living in the same house without having problems.

------------------
Gerald
"Nerves of Steel; Brain of Chipmunk"
'99 Eddie Bauer 4x4 4.0L SOHC aka "The Jeepeater"
Gerald's Truck
"What the heck is he doing out here in that thing???"

[Edited by GJarrett on 01-22-2001 at 09:21 AM]
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Old 05-19-2000, 07:25 PM   #2
Ray Lobato
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I know it's not tomorrow, but I really like this one.

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!” The shopkeeper said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one!” Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it’s back, and frustrated, shouts, “Damn, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”




------------------
Happy Wheelin'
Ray L.
97 XLT 4X4 4.0L SOHC
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Old 05-20-2000, 12:03 PM   #3
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Arrow

Oh, Groannnnnn..........

I forgot about blonde jokes. Bring 'em on!

[This message has been edited by GJarrett (edited 05-20-2000).]
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Old 05-23-2000, 10:57 AM   #4
Skip Pendle
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WORDS OF WISDOM

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow is not looking good either.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make
as they go flying by.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the
first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.

I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought
to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

My reality check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and
taste good with ketchup.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat
you with experience.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month
than you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will
happen to you for the rest of the day.

When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking
about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a
damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the
boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Everything can be filed under 'miscellaneous'.

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is
supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the
mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really
good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your
desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for
everything that goes wrong.
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Old 05-24-2000, 12:23 PM   #5
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A blond woman desperately looking for work applies for a job at a
toy factory. The personnel manager goes over her resume and explains that he really has nothing worthy of her qualifications. The woman says that she reallyneeds work and will take almost anything. The personnel manager thinks for a moment and then says he does have a low skill job on the "Tickle-Me-Elmo" line, but its a no-brainer. The woman happily accepts the job. He takes her down to the production line, explains her duties and tells her to start at 8:00 the next day.
The next morning at 8:45 there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The "Tickle-Me-Elmo" line foreman comes in all upset about the new woman on the line. After the foreman rants and raves for a few minutes about how backed up the assembly line is, the personnel manager agrees to go down to the floor and see for himself. They head down together and, sure enough, Elmos are backed up from one end of the line to the other. Right at the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles in front of her. The two managers watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric from the
bolt, wraps two marbles in the fabric, and sews it between Elmo's legs. The personnel manager starts to laugh hysterically. After a few minutes of uncontrolled laughter, he walks over to the employee and says- "I'm sorry. I guess you misunderstood me yesterday.....
What I wanted you to do was give each Elmo "two test tickles."
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Old 05-25-2000, 10:31 PM   #6
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Smile

To late as a day brightener, so let's call it a night cap:

Subject: REDNECK MEDICAL TERMS
REDNECK MEDICAL TERMS:

01. Benign - What you be after you be eight.

02. Artery - The study of paintings.

03. Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria.

04. Barium - What doctors do when patients die.

05. Cesarean Section - A neighborhood in Rome.

06. CATscan - Searching for kitty.

07. Cauterize - Made eye contact with her.

08. Colic - A sheep dog.

09. Coma - A punctuation mark.

10. D & C - Where Washington is.

11. Enema - Not a friend

12. Dilate - To live long

13. Fester - Quicker than someone else.

14. Fibula - A small lie.

15. Genital - Non-Jewish person.

16. G.I. Series - World Series of military
baseball.

17. Hangnail - What you hang your coat on.

18. Impotent - Distinguished, well known.

19. Labor Pain - Getting hurt at work.

20. Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane.

21. Morbid - A higher offer than I bid.

22. Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates.

23. Node - I knew it.

24. Outpatient - A person who has fainted.

25. Pap Smear - A lie about someone's Pappy.

26. Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis.

27. Post Operative - A letter carrier.

28. Recovery Room - Place to get upholstery done.

29. Rectum - Damn near killed him.

30. Secretion - Hiding something.

31. Seizure - Roman emperor.

32. Tablet - A small table.

33. Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport.

34. Tumor - More than one.

35. Urine - Opposite of you're out.

36. Varicose - Near by/close by




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Old 05-25-2000, 10:35 PM   #7
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Couldn't resist this one:

A blonde decided to go to flight school for a full session. A month later, the blonde goes on a test flight.
She takes a helicopter, gets to 1000 ft. and calls into the control tower. She says, "Its nice up here!"

Then she gets to 2000 ft. and says, " It's very nice up here!"

When she gets to 3000 ft., the commander doesn't hear from the blonde, but he hears static through the speaker. He looks through his binoculars and sees a chopper crash a mile away.

The commander rides over to the crash site and sees the blonde walking away from the scene. The commander says, "What happened? "

The blonde replies, "It got really cold so I turned off that giant fan."




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Old 05-25-2000, 10:50 PM   #8
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I know I'm walking the acceptable line here (yep, this is as far as it can go - Gerald) but:

TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX:
01) You can GET chocolate.
02) "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
03) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
04) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
05) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
06) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
07) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
08) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
09) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15) You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16) Good chocolate is easy to find.
17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20) With chocolate size doesn't matter.


------------------
Brad Bottoms
92 XLT 4x4
My Philosophy is "Bigger is ALWAYS Better"

[This message has been edited by GJarrett (edited 05-27-2000).]
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Old 05-26-2000, 03:47 PM   #9
TPLYNCH
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Beer Theory
Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of
female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12
pints of beer each over a 6 hour period in a controlled environment.
They observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively
without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned.

Enjoy the long weekend everyone!


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Old 05-29-2000, 10:46 AM   #10
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Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to
the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said,
"We've been waiting a long time for you."
"What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime
of my life. Why did I have to die now?"

"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.

"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong
guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."

"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared
inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but
by our records you *are* 82. I checked all the hours you
have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."




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Old 05-29-2000, 10:54 AM   #11
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One more since it's a holiday. I found this in reference to golf. Thought it might also be humorous changing it to 4wheeling.

> 18- You don't have to sneak your 4wheeling magazines into the house.
>
> 17- If you are having trouble with 4wheeling, it's perfectly acceptable to
> pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique.
>
> 16- The Ten Commandments don't say anything about 4wheeling.
>
> 15- If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you 4wheeling, you
> don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet when you
> become famous.
>
> 14- Your 4wheeling partner won't keep asking questions about other partners
> you've 4wheeled with.
>
> 13- It's perfectly respectable to go 4wheeling with a total stranger.
>
> 12- When you see a really good 4wheeler, you don't have to feel guilty
> about imagining the two of you 4wheeling together.
>
> 11- If your regular 4wheeling partner isn't available, he/she won't object
> if you go 4wheeling with someone else.
>
> 10- Nobody will ever tell you that you can go blind if you 4wheel by
> yourself.
>
> 9- When dealing with a 4wheeling pro, you never have to wonder if they are
> really an undercover cop.
>
> 8- You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to
> buy 4wheeling stuff.
>
> 7- You can have a 4wheeling calendar on your wall at the office, tell 4wheeling
> jokes and invite co-workers to 4wheeling with you without getting sued for
> harassment.
>
> 6- There's no such thing as a 4wheeling transmitted disease.
>
> 5- If you want to watch 4wheeling on television, you don't have to
> subscribe to a premium cable channel.
>
> 4- Nobody expects you to promise to 4wheel with just one partner for the
> rest of your life.
>
> 3- Nobody expects you to give up 4wheeling if your partner loses
> interest in the game.
>
> 2- You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for
> the enjoyment of 4wheeling.
>
> 1- Your 4wheeling partner will never say, "What? We just 4wheeled last week!
> Is that all you ever think about?"


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Old 05-29-2000, 03:16 PM   #12
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Oh, don't forget stupid crook stories. I love those.

Oil Change

45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change.

According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.


------------------
Gerald
"Nerves of Steel; Brain of Chipmunk"
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"What the heck is he doing out here in that thing???"
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Old 05-30-2000, 01:45 PM   #13
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Talking Day Brightener

Funny Gerald! Could pass for a blond joke too. Speaking of blonds......

A judge was interviewing a blonde lady regarding her pending
divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the
middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my
husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never
really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your
marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't
necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is 'yes'."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier
than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want
a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a
divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."




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Old 06-02-2000, 02:28 PM   #14
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Talking

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.

She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked him.

"Remember when your father caught us fooling around when you were 16?" he replied. "And remember, he said, I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison."

Baffled, she said, "yes, I remember. So?"

"I would have gotten out today."




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Old 06-06-2000, 03:29 PM   #15
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Talking Secret of a Long Marriage

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.' We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead. I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said "That's once." :p




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Old 06-07-2000, 03:16 PM   #16
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Take the prospective employees you are trying to hire, place them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray,
assign them to Finance.
If they are waving their arms and talking out loud,
send them to Consulting.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut,
Computer Information Systems is their niche.
If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk.
If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.
If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.
If they don't even look up when you enter the room,
assign them to Security.
If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks,
send them to Marketing.




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Old 06-07-2000, 07:25 PM   #17
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Post AL GORE EXPLAINED

On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep & cattle ranch outside Roswell, NM; an incident they say has been covered up by the military.

On March 31, 1948 -- approximately nine months after that day -- Al Gore was born.

That clears up a lot of things.





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God's aim looks like He's missing the mark because we're too nearsighted to see what He is aiming at.
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Old 06-08-2000, 09:03 AM   #18
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GJarrett,

I take offense to your suggestions of lawyer jokes. My wife is in law school now. Doing quite well actually(3.8 gpa after her first semester). She's not an ambulance chaser nor a 'One call, that's all' gal. She's very smart....(wonder why in the hell she's with me?). Oh, what the hey!..Bring on the jokes..LOL!
Guy#1- 'Lawyers are a$$holes!'
guy#2- I take offense to that remark!
Guy#1- Why, are you a lawyer?
guy#2- No, I'm an a$$hole!

I've already told her that one. She thought it was funny. Later..keep'em in the ditch.




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Old 06-14-2000, 12:04 PM   #19
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Wink

Here a joke about Land-Rover's building quality, read in the Land-Rover Owners Magazin:

For seing if their cars are air-thight, Mitsubishi engineers would put a cat in the car, leave it over night, and when the cat is dead in the morning, the car is air-thight.
"Good idea" thought the Land Rover engineers "we do the same thing". They took a cat, put it in a Defender, cranked up all windows and locked the doors. When they came back next morning, the cat was gone.

Aren't there any jokes about the J**pers? Or are their no jokes because all that's said is the truth?




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Old 06-16-2000, 09:07 AM   #20
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Blonde joke:

There are two guys and a blonde sitting at a table at a bar. The first guys was a Russian. He stands up an boasts, "We Russians were the first in space". The second guy stands up next an says,"That's nothing, We Americans were the first on the moon". Not wanting to be left out, the blonde stands up next. That's nothing guys, we women are going to be the first to land on the sun. The guys look at each other then say, "You can't land on the sun, it's way too hot". "Well no duh!!", says the blonde, "that's why were going to go at night". "D




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