Today's Day Brightener

[FlyAU]

There's a moral to this story, I think...

Snakes can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, and not rattlesnakes. A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing in a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.

The husband--who was taking a shower--ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.

About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him in the butt. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The Paramedics rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out. About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and an EMT saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man seeing her lying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her. The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake.

She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred.

They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch, one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire. Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing.

Neighbors called the fire department and the arriving fire-truck started raising his ladder as they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and knocked out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area.

Time passed. Both men were discharged from the hospital, The house was rebuilt, The police acquired a new car, and all was right with the world.

About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

She shot him!

[rustytr]

This married couple were on holiday in Pakistan.



They were touring around the marketplace looking at the

goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop.

From inside they heard a gentlemen with a Pakistani

accent say, "You foreigners, come in. Come into my

humble shop."



So the married couple walked in.



The Pakistani man said to them. "I have some special

sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make

you wild at sex like a great desert camel."



Well, the wife was really interested in buying the

sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt

he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you

into a sex freak?"



The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb."


Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife,

finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped

them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife

hadn't seen in many years - raw

sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed

the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table,

yanked down his pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs.



The Pakistani then began screaming.

"YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEE

[ex voto]

Actual Hong Kong movie subtitles
* I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
* Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
* Gun wounds again?
* Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
* A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
* Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
* Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.
* Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
* Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
* You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.
* I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
* You daring lousy guy.
* Beat him out of recognizable shape!
* I have been scared sh*tless too much lately.
* I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
* Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
* The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
* How can you use my intestines as a gift?
* This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure
you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat.
* Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits
and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough
extermination. (WHAT?????)
* Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.



[Edited by ex voto on 02-07-2001 at 12:42 PM]

[Peter Weber]

Just found these two little gems:

When your wife asks, "Do I look fat?"
The only correct response is, "Do I look stupid?"

A blonde tells her boyfriend "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, but I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."

[rustytr]

THIS IS FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE-BASHING JOKES

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never
be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to
the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me."


How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said,
"Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said,
"I haven't eaten anything for days ."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your will power."

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
once.

[Goober]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied," There certainly is!" My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

[FlyAU]

I thought these were funny:

Being Kobe Bryant

Being Vince McMahon

Being Art Modell

Being Jason Sehorn

Being Dick Vermeil

[Goober]

Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the national system.

Beware of...

THE AL GORE Virus.... (Causes your computer to
just keep counting and counting)

THE CLINTON Virus.... (Gives you a 7-Inch Hard
Drive with NO memory)

THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus... (Makes a new
hard drive out of an old floppy)

THE LEWINSKY virus... (Sucks all the memory out of
your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)

THE RONALD REAGAN virus.... (Saves your data, but
forgets where it is stored)

THE MIKE TYSON virus.... (Quits after two bytes)

THE OPRAH WINFREY virus.... (Your 300mb hard drive
shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to restabilize
around 200mb)

THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus... (Deletes all old files)

THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus... (Disks can no longer
be inserted)

THE PROZAC virus... (Totally screws up your RAM,
but your processor doesn't care)

THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus... (Only attacks minor
files)

THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus... (Terminates some files, leaves, but will
be back)

THE LORENA BOBBITT virus... (Reformats your hard
drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows

[mattadams]

heres a great site for everyone to check out... http://www.kalecoauto.com
It's great! I'd been trying to find muffler bearings for quite some time and they not only have the stock muffler bearings, but heavy duty muffler bearings, and for only $175/set! Another few items I've been looking for for a while
-extra retardant spark plugs
-air filter bypass kit
-motor block oil bypass valve
-fuel injector cleaner for carburated engines
-synthetic blinker fluid (its about time I found this!)
-spark plug and plug wire cleaner
-performance lowering kit, LOL
Great site!

[Brian1]

Matt, you forgot the bumper hinges, tire grease, clutch paint, window nuts, wiper U bolts, tranny flairs and some heavy duty wheel bushings.

[Peter Weber]

Being that it's Valentine's Day tomorrow, Here's a love poem
http://www.netlaughter.com/redneckvalentine.htm

[FlyAU]

A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.

For weeks she read and studied every book, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough, and out she went for her first ice fishing trip.

She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.

When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool, and carefully laid out her tools. Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!"

Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole. Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!"

Amazed, the blonde wasn't quite sure what to do, as this certainly wasn't covered in any of her books.

She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly -- tools in the right place, chair positioned just so, everything.

Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again, "There are no fish under the ice!"

Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked "Is that you Lord?"

The voice boomed back, "No, this is the manager of the skating rink."

[ExplorerEB96]

Originally posted by rustytr
I meant big fancy cars like umm, a porsche, or a ferarri or something along those lines, trucks are a given and a statement of ones manhood

Now do you really want to go there??? I'd like a show of <ahem> hands please!!!


Karol
explorereb96@ford-trucks.net

[NoBoundaries]

I got this e-mail the other day!

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call!

[Scott B.]

A new twist on an old story..................

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting rules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as Auto-X 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

Desperate

Dear Desperate,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3.

Tech Support

[FlyAU]

In his book SLED DRIVER: Flying the World's Fastest Jet, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes:

I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt and I were screaming across southern California 13 miles high.

We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we enter Los Angeles Center's airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope.

I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed. "90 knots", Center replied.

Moments later a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots", Center answered.

We weren't the only one proud of our speed that day as almost instantly an F/A-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout." There was a slight pause. "525 knots on the ground, Dusty."

Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard the familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison.

"Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?"

There was a longer than normal pause.

"Aspen, I show one thousand seven hundred forty-two knots."

No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.

[rustytr]

Two little potatoes are standing on the street corner. How can you tell which one is the prostitue?

It's the one with the little sticker that says "Idaho."

[Brian1]

I hope this animation works...

got it in an e-mail

[95ExplorerLtd]

Gee Hilary, is that the White House linens I see under your coat?? She did look awfully big that day...

[GJarrett]

This one had me laughing out loud!


Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it". "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "What happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either."