Today's Day Brightener

[Peter Weber]

This might give some of you a chuckle

http://www.haukenfrers.net/technolog...untry_folk.htm

[Explorer Girl]

I hope this won't offend anyone . . .


Unfortunately, it has become all too frequent that a man will father a child and then run off, oftentimes without paying any child support. The girl in this picture will face many challenges because she has no father in her life. If you know who her father might be, please contact the police immediately.

[FitzMatt]

Why shouldn't you take a shower with a Pokemon?




Cuz he'll Picachu!




Ok Ok, I just couldn't think of any others! Gimme a break

[Explorer Girl]

Glad you enjoyed it. I just about died when I first saw it, so I figured some of y'all might get a rise out of it too.

[Explorer Girl]

LITTLE ROCK, ARK (AP) - Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain will begin selling Alcott Ridge Vineyards worldwide next Thursday, teaming up with E. J. Gallo Winery of Modesto, Calif., to produce the spirits at an affordable price.

While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of
Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. "There is wine in a box that people are willing to buy,'' she said.

Wal-Mart spokesman Hank Ernest said the company sells wine products in 38 states and worldwide. The corked wine will sell from about $6 to $7 a standard bottle (750 milliliters) and be available in Cabernet Sauvignon, Chardonnay, Merlot and White Zinfandel varieties, he said. The bottle will not carry the name Wal-Mart or Gallo.

(This part is for real folks, they started selling it last October.)

Here are the top 15 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:

15. Box O' Grapes
14. Chateau Traileur Doublewide
13. White Trashfindel
12. Big Red Gulp
11. Grape Expectations
10. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"
9. NASCARbernet
8. Chef Boyardeaux
7. Peanut Noir
6. Blue Light Special Nun
5. Chateau des Moines
4. Martha Stewart's Sour Grapes
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Wriesling

And the number 1 suggested name for Wal-Mart Wine...

1. Nasti Spumante

['96explorereddiebauer]

THE COMPUTER USER'S REBOOT POEM
---------------------------------
Don't you wish when life is bad and things just don't compute,
That all we really had to do was stop and hit reboot?
Things would all turn out ok, life could be so sweet
If we had those special keys Ctrl, Alt, and Delete

Your boss is mad, your bills not paid, your wife, well she's
just mute
Just stop and hit those wonderful keys that make it all reboot
You'd like to have another job but you fear living in the street?
You solve it all and start a new, Ctrl, Alt, and Delete.

[coloradobound]

How to Know if You're a Redneck Jedi
1. Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.
2. You have used your light saber to open a bottle of Everclear.
3. You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.
4. At least one wing of your X-Wing fighter is primer-colored.
5. There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.
6. You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
7. You can easily describe the taste of Ewok.
8. You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
9. You think that the Stormtrooper Elite Guards are just KKK members with really good sheets.
10. A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.
11. You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not The Force.
12. Your master has said, ''My finger you will pull..hmmm?''
13. You have had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
14. You have lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.
15. The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.
16. Wookies are offended by your B.O.
17. You have used The Force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
18. You have used The Force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
19. You have used a light sabre to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.
20. Your father told you, ''Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side...it'll be a hoot.''
21. You've had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to light a bar-b-que.

[Heath]

If this doesn't make you laugh out loud, nothing will!!
Once upon a time, there lived a woman who had a
maddening passion for baked beans.
She loved them but unfortunately, they had always
had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.
Then one day she met man and fell in love. When it became apparent
that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and
gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." So she made the
supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way
home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband
and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On
her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was
more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she
figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached
home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had
consumed three large orders baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted,
and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and
exclaimed delightedly, Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She
seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his
wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the
blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still
affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while
her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her
weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled
like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill.
She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she
shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her
of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the
other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the
telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the
air a few more times with her napkin placed it on her lap and folded
her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband
returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked,
and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the
blindfold, and she was surprised!!

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the
table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!

[mattadams]

Signs your a hardcore four-wheeler -
- You find that you need a new house because you've outgrown your garage and the neighbors are threatening violence if you park one more vehicle on the street or in the front yard.

- The requirements you give your real estate agent are (in order of importance):
1) 8 car climate controlled garage with an attached shop, 8' high doors.
2) Outside parking for 6 cars, a motorhome, a crew cab dualie, a 28'enclosed trailer and a 34' 5th wheel.
3) 3 phase 220V outlets in the garage for your welder.
4) A grease pit.
5) Convenient to a hazardous waste disposal site.
6) Deaf neighbors.
7) Across the street from a paint and body shop.
8) Some sort of house with a working toilet and shower on the property somewhere -or- hookups for the motorhome

- Your email address refers to your truck rather than to you.

- You buy new parts because you don't know where you put the spares.

- You're looking for a tow vehicle and still haven't bought furniture for your house!

- You measure all family acquisitions in terms of the number of parts that could have been purchased.

- You look at the purchase of tools as a long term investment.

- Your garage holds more vehicles than your house has bedrooms.

- You have enough spare parts to build another truck.

- You have truck parts in your cubicle at work.

- Your Christmas list begins with another set of BFG MTs and E-Z Locker and
your 'significant other' knows what they are.

- After your answer to "What did you do this weekend?" the next question is
always: "And you do this for fun? Right?"

- You have a separate drawer for 'garage clothes'.

- People know you by your "off"s". "Oh, you are the one stuck in the mud at Fishing Creek last weekend!"

- You talk to other cars on the road, calling them by the manufacturer's name.

- Your criteria for selecting a significant other include auto repair skills. Air tools optional.

- You plan your wedding around the club schedule.

- You astound the clerk at Sears by bringing in a snapped breaker bar every other week or so.

- You give out 4wheel Parts Wholesalers number when a friend asks for the best hardware store.

- You hate long distance driving, but you will gladly drive 800 miles to the trail.

- You save broken car parts as " momentos".

- You know the exact story behind every one! (see above)

- You would choose a rollbar over air conditioning if it were an option.

- Your idea of a good time is sitting around figuring out gear ratios and the ideal crawl ratio for given situations.

- When someone refers to "The Good Book", you think of "The Jeep Owners Bible"

- You own five Trucks and only one of them is street legal.

- There's a poster of Moab up on the wall next to the family portraits.

- Your video collection contains more wheelin videos then regular videos.

- Your friends call to tell you they found another way into the woods rather then to see how your doing.

- Your refer to "Friends" by the type of truck they drive rather than names.

- You filled out the Top Truck Challenge Voting card but threw away the Census 2000 forms.

- 90% of you work e-mail is wheelin related.

- You keep trying to coerce your significant other to allow you to remove the doors on the minivan.

- You refer to the local construction site as "The testing ground".

- You can remember how to get to every trail you've been on but get lost going to your in-laws.

- "The Big Question" refers to Bogger or TSL.

- When someone says someone is Biased you immediately think of tires.

- Your truck no longer fits in the garage.

- Your truck has gone to supermodel status and doesn't leave the garage for any trail less than a 4+.

- Your daily driver is considered a mild trail rig.

- Drivers behind you can see the car in front of you, under the truck.

- The term "Open with Attitude" is tattooed on you, or your thinking about it.

- You base your next vehicle purchase on it's crawl ratio and whats available for it in the aftermarket.

- People see pictures of your truck flexed out and ask "Is it broken?"

- You stopped washing your truck cause it shows off the scratches.

- Your boss asks you not to bring the truck to work anymore because it won't
fit in the parking garage without the antenna scraping the ceiling.

- You've actually replaced a flourescent light in the parking garage cause your antenna hit it.

- You club web site is your homepage.

- You are in search of a house that borders state forest and refuse to buy anything that's not even remotely close to it.

- You'll drop a couple grand on new axles but the kitchen sink still leaks.

- The vacation pictures are all off-road.

- You ALLWAYS have your drinks on the rocks!

- You look at an open area in the woods and can determine the best line.

- You base your social class on your recent RTI score rather than how much money you make.

- Working on your truck is considered relaxation.

- Everytime you see a lowered truck you wanna get out and bitch slap the
driver.

- You look at other cars and think to yourself "I can crawl over that".

- You consider Rubicon as the holy land.

- Tellico no longer scares you.

- You carry more parts to the trail then home.

- You've installed or thought about installing a lift on the lawn mower.

- You consider anything without 4wd-Useless.

- Your ideal vehicle is a Unimog.

- Your truck cost as much as an italian sports car.

- When someone mentions "Xtreme" your eyes light up!

- Motivation invloves someone saying "you can't make it".


And the #1 Sign you're a hardcore wheeler:

It's not considered a good trail ride if nothing breaks!

[Peter Weber]

http://www.peterboro.net/~gthomson/org/orgasm.htm

[95ExplorerLtd]

LOL Peter!

[donkey boy]

I friend of mine forwarded me the following text. I dedicate it to everybody on this board having sometimes problems with the English Language (like myself )

Subject: More on the English language

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

[coloradobound]

How Observant Are You?

Write down your answers to check 'em at the end.
1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?
2. How many states are there? (don't laugh, some people don't know)
3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?
4. What 6 colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label?
5. What 2 letters don't appear on the telephone dial? (no cheating!)
6. What 2 #'s don't have letters by them?
7. When you walk does your left arm swing w/ you right or left leg?
8. How many matches are in a standard pack?
9. On our flag, is the top stripe red or white?
10. What is the lowest # on the FM dial?
11. Which way does water go down the drain, counter- or clockwise?
12. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?
13. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?
14. Which side of a women's blouse are the buttons on?
15. On a NY license plate, is New York on the top or bottom?
16. Which way do fans rotate?
17. Whose face is on a dime?
18. How many sides does a stop sign have?
19. Do books have even # pages on the right or left side?
20. How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?
21. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?
22. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?
23. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?
25. On which card is the cardmaker's trademark?
26. On which side of a venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats?
27. On the back of a 1$, what is in the center?
28. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits?
29. How many curves are in a standard paper clip?
30. Does a merry-go-round turn counter- or clockwise?

I'll post the answers later.

[BExplorer]

I you ever see that save the dog first!

[JDraper]

Hey Gimp! You missed the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania

On a side note, what state has the longest name???

See below



















Rhode Island





Rhode Island's proper name is "Rhode Island and Commonwealth Plantations" ( I think I got the correct terminology)

[coloradobound]

Well, in the answers I have, the answer says 50. I'll see if anyone else posts some answers and then post the complete list a while later.

[tac0meat]

X

[coloradobound]

Well, I'll post the answers since no one seemed interested.

Answers:
1. Bottom
2. 50 (please tell me you at least got this one!)
3. Right
4. blue, red, white, yellow, black, and gold
5. Q, Z
6. 1,0
7. Left
8. 20
9. Red
10. 88
11. Counter(unless you happen to be south of the equator)
12. Towards bottom right
13. 12 (no #1)
14. Right
15. Top
16. Clockwise as you look at it
17. Roosevelt
18. 8
19. Left
20. 5
21. 6
22. Bashful
23. 6
24. Did you notice something missing?
25. Ace of spades
26. Left
27. ONE
28. *, #
29. 3
30. Counter

Scoring
30-28 Mensa is calling, genius
25-27 Not too shabby
20-24 You could do better
16-19 McDonald's is calling (would you like fries w/that?)
15 or below Damn! Being blind wouldn't affect you one bit!



Also check out Webspoofs

[donkey boy]

OK, I'm filling in my application for McDonalds

But answer 5 is wrong: on today's modern phones all letters appear on the dial; Q is on 7 and Z on 9. With that right, I could have done better, but I still would not need to sell the Manager's special (2 double cheesburgers for 2 bucks, makes 2.09, first window please ) How's this for the beginning?

[coloradobound]

I just thought since people weren't posting any answers to the questions it was ignored. My fault.

Sure ya did gimp. You got that many right.

KIDDING, just messing with ya.:p