Today's Day Brightener

[GJarrett]

SUBJECT--ADVISORY: HIGH IMPORTANCE

The Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them -- we also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.

[JJW]

At first glance I thought a run in Alaska was going to form.(the first few words) You know, the glacier climbing 4x4 club

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is
bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.

"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain
the differences in all these toilet papers?"

"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's
kiss. It's $1.50 per roll." He grabs another and says, "This is nice
and soft, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll." Pointing to the
bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20
cents per roll."

"Give me the No Name," she says.

She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey!
I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."

"Why?" he asks.

"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off anybody!"



[Edited by JJW on 06-17-2000 at 07:20 PM]

[Peter Weber]

Another Blond Joke

A blond calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"
"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"

"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."

"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."

"It's a big rooster," she said.

The husband arrives home and tells his blond wife,
"Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."

[tdavis]

How can you tell when a blonde has used a computer?

There's white-out on the monitor.

How can you tell when another blonde has used the same computer?

There's writing on the white-out.

[TPLYNCH]

>>> A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. Suddenly, the horse
>>> falls into a mud hole and starts to sink. The horse yells at the
>>> chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.
>>>
>>> The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. Wasting no
>>> time, the chicken gets into the farmer's Mercedes and drives it as fast
>>> as possible back to the mud hole.
>>>
>>> Upon her return, the chicken ties a rope around the bumper, and then
>>> tosses the other end of the rope to the horse. As the horse hangs on
>>> for dear life, the chicken drives the car forward, and saves the horse
>>> from sinking.
>>>
>>> A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow
>>> again. This time, the chicken falls into the mud hole. The chicken
>>> yells to the horse to hurry and get the farmer, or the farmer's
>>> Mercedes. The horse says, "Wait, I think I can stand over the mud hole!"
>>> So, he stretches over the width of the hole and says to the chicken,
>>> "Reach up and grab my "thingy" and pull yourself up!!!" And the chicken
>>> did so, and pulled herself up to safety.
>>>
>>> The Moral of the Story: "If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a
>>> Mercedes to pick up chicks."

I prefer . Plenty of room in the back to take care of business!

[GJarrett]

A guy is at the Pearly Gates, hoping to be admitted, and St. Peter says to the guy, "I can't see that you did anything really good in your life, but you never did anything bad either. I tell you what: if you can tell me one REALLY good deed that you did, you're in."

So the guy says, "Once I was driving down the road and saw a gang of bikers assaulting this poor girl. So I pulled over, got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron and walked straight up to the gang's leader -- a huge ugly guy with a studded leather jacket, bald head but with hair all over his body, and a chain running from his nose to his ear. Undaunted, I ripped the chain out of his nose and ear and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around, wielding my tire iron, and yelled to the rest of them, 'You leave this poor, innocent lady alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! GO HOME BEFORE I TEACH YOU ALL A LESSON IN PAIN!'"

Impressed, St. Peter shuffles through his notes on the guy trying to find this story, and says, "Really? When did this happen?"

"Oh, about two minutes ago."


[Edited by GJarrett on 06-30-2000 at 02:22 PM]

[98/92EB]

Another blond joke.

Two blondes were taking a walk one day and walked upon some
tracks. One blonde said they were deer tracks. The other
blonde said they were bear tracks...

... While they were arguing, a train ran them over.

AS well as:
Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T Say Out Loud In Victoria's Secret:
#10 Does this come in children's sizes?
#9 No Thanks. Just Sniffing.
#8 I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
#7 Mom will love this.
#6 Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
#5 No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
#4 Will you model this for me???
#3 The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
#2 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say
out loud in Victoria's Secret:
#1 Oh, honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!

[TPLYNCH]

>> > > > THINGS YOU CAN'T SAY WITH A HALLMARK
>> > > >
>> > > > "Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder: What the **** was I
>> > > > thinking"
>> > > >
>> > > > "Congratulations on your wedding day!
>> > > > Too bad no one likes your wife."
>> > > >
>> > > > "How could two people as beautiful as you have
>> > > > such an ugly baby.
>> > > >
>> > > > "I've always wanted to have someone to hold,
>> > > > someone to love.
>> > > > After having met you, I've changed my mind."
>> > > >
>> > > > "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life.
>> > > > I never believed in Hell til I met you."
>> > > >
>> > > > As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am
>> > > > that you're not here to ruin it for me."
>> > > >
>> > > > "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope
>> > > > it's your sister."
>> > > >
>> > > > "Thanks fo r being a part of my life!!! I never
>> > > > knew what evil was before this!"
>> > > >
>> > > > "Congratulations on your promotion.
>> > > > Before you go, would you like to take this
>> > > > knife out of my back.
>> > > > You'll probably need it again."
>> > > >
>> > > > "Someday I hope to get married, but not to
>> > > > you."
>> > > >
>> > > > "Happy Birthday! You look great for your
>> > > > age...Almost Lifelike!
>> > > >
>> > > > "When we were together, you always said you'd
>> > > > die for me.
>> > > > Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you
>> > > > kept your promise."
>> > > >
>> > > > "I knew the day would come when you would leave
>> > > > me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water
bowl and chew toys."
>> > > >
>> > > > "We have been friends for a very long time,
>> > > > what say we call it quits."
>> > > >
>> > > > "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like
>> > > > you're here."
>> > > >
>> > > > "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did
>> > > > you ever find out who the father was?"
>> > > >
>> > > > "You are such a good friend that if we were on
>> > > > a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket....
>> > > > I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
>> > > >
>> > > > "Your friends and I wanted to do something
>> > > > special for your birthday-
>> > > > so we're having you put to sleep."
>> > > >
>> > > > "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!"

[RangerX]

A visitor to Sydney went to the stadium where Olympic competitors were trying out and noticed an athlete carrying a very long pole. "Are you a pole-vaulter?" the tourist asked.
"No, I'm German," the athlete replied. "But how did you know my name is Walter?"

[tdavis]

Do you know what JEEP stands for?

Just
Empty
Every
Pocket

(it came from a jeep board!)




[Edited by tdavis on 07-02-2000 at 11:24 AM]

[RangerX]

On the last day of school, the students brought gifts for the teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet. The candy-store owner's daughter handed the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liqour-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," said the little boy.
She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"
"No," said the little boy.
"I give up," she said. "What is it?"
"A puppy!"

[GJarrett]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his faithful wife stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said: "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"

"What, Dear?" she asked gently as she stroked his brow.

"I think you're bad luck!"

[FlyAU]

A little background: Tom is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana and performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an email he sent to his sister. She sent it to Laughline and won the contest (he wasn't thrilled with her for that one).

Anyway...anytime you think you have had a bad day at the office, remember this guy. If any of you have ever scuba dived, you know the limitations humans must endure to dive safely.

April 1998

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a halfway intelligent plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. When I get to the bottom and start working, I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds, my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.

In agony, I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My butt-crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, was laughing hysterically.

Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my dry chamber decompression. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it "up my ass" when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't take a crap for two days because my butthole was swollen shut. I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship.

Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this will make them more tolerable. Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon.

Love you,
Tom

[GJarrett]

Subject: FW: Men's Chain Letter

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men.

Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the
bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.

At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, 4 of whom were worth keeping. REMEMBER this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy centerfold model. An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood supermodel.

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain, and got his own wife back again.

[AgExplorer]

Texas Litigation

A big-city, California, lawyer went duck hunting along the Texas coast.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"

The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up. You can have the duck.

[Peter Weber]

Redneck Birth Control:

After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided
that that was enough. They could not afford a larger
double wide. So the husband went to his doctor, who also
treated mules, and told him that he and his wife didn't
want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed
him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a
beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest
man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer
can next to my ear is going to help me." So the couple
drove to get a second opinion.

The second doctor was just about to tell them about the
medical procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed the very
blank look in their eyes. To save himself a few hours of
explanation, the doctor told the man to go home and get a
cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to
his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the
man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He
held the can up to his ear and began to count.

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed
the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his
other hand...

[GJarrett]

That's like the Aggie jokes we have in Texas.....

Didja hear about the Aggie that got arrested for indecent exposure?

He learned to count to twenty-one.

[Goober]

10 dollars...


There was an old couple who had gone to the county fair for the past 50 years. Every year he would turn to his wife and say,'I sure would love to ride in that airplane'. To which his wife responded,'I'd love to let you , but 10 dollars, is 10 dollars.'
The old guy was feeling really down this year, so his wife finally agreed to let him go. 'We can't afford to do it', says the man. The pilot overheard their discussion of money and says,'If you and your wife can go for the entire ride without saying a word, it will be free.' The couple agree and jump in the plane.
The pilot takes off and starts his acrobatics, trying to get them to scream. After 15 minutes the pilot finally gives up and lands the plane. When he looks back he notices the wife missing. When the pilot asks the man what happened he said, 'Oh, she fell out about halfway through the flight.' The pilot asks, 'Why didn't you say anything?'

'Well,...10 dollars, is 10 dollars!'

[TPLYNCH]

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods
when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind
a tree and, holding a knife to her throat, said; 'Red,
I'm going to screw your brains out.'

To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into
her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum, pointed
it at him and said, 'No you're not. You're going to
eat me, just like it says in the book!'

[FlyAU]

Ways to really scare your roomate...

• Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks.
• When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call back."
• Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."
• Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Playloud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted."
• Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of light bulbs.
• Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. ("Frank Johnson! Oh, wow! 837-9494! Holy cow!")
• Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in looking depressed. If your roommate asks what's wrong, explain that your shadow can't box with you anymore due to an injury. Ask your roommate if you can box with his/her shadow.
• Draw a chalk outline of a body on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, "Don't worry. It's not what you think." If he/she asks about it again, immediately change the subject.
• Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble, "Damn road runner...."
• Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you'd like to have a conversation.
• Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later," while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
• Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your roommate through the telescope. When you're not using the telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for you to see.
• Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go and consult with the worms every so often. Then become angry, shouting at the worms that they're stupid and they don't know what they're talking about.
• Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower.
• Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, "Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your...Oh, it's just you." Take off the hat, sit, and pout.
• As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused.
• Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From then on, complain about how much you hate lemonade.
• Late at night, start conversations that begin with, "Remember the good old days, when we used to..." and make up stories involving you and your roommate.
• Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you.
• Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, "Boy, these zoos just aren't what they used to be."
• Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there's going to be an earthquake, soon. While your roommate is out, trash everything on his/her side of the room. When he/she returns, explain that the earthquake hit, but only on one side of the room.
• Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a band-aid on your forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again.
• Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate that the lobster is making up his own rules.
• Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training. Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again. Ask your roommate to apologize to the camel.
• Every five minutes, get up, open the door, peek out, close the door and look relieved.
• Pick up the phone every five minutes and say, "hello." Look confused and hang up.
• When listening to the radio, sing along with different lyrics and a different tune.
• Constantly drink from an empty glass.