Today's Day Brightener

[Hammer]

ajevenson,
Bastard!!!!!
I just sh!t myself!
I had my speakers on real loud and opened the document and went on to something else. Me and my boss shot out of our seats.
You will be hearing from my lawyer

[JDraper]

30 Years Difference

1972: Long hair
2002: Longing for hair

1972: The perfect high
2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1972: KEG
2002: EKG

1972: Acid rock
2002: Acid reflux

1972: Moving to California because it's cool
2002: Moving to California because it's warm

1972: Growing pot
2002: Growing pot belly

1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1972: Seeds and stems
2002: Roughage

1972: Popping pills, smoking joints
2002: Popping joints

1972: Killer weed
2002: Weed killer

1972: Hoping for a BMW
2002: Hoping for a BM

1972: The Grateful Dead
2002: Dr. Kevorkian

1972: Going to a new, hip joint
2002: Receiving a new hip joint

1972: Rolling Stones
2002: Kidney Stones

1972: Being called into the principal's office
2002: Calling the principal's office

1972: Screw the system
2002: Upgrade the system

1972: Disco
2002: Costco

1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1972: Taking acid
2002: Taking antacid

1972: Passing the drivers' test
2002: Passing the vision test

1972: Whatever
2002: Depends

[GJarrett]

NOTICE FROM CARNIVAL CRUISE LINES

Afghanistan Cruise

We at Carnival Cruise Lines didn't forget that a lot of entertainers had promised to leave the country if George W. Bush became President. With that in mind, we have a Special Offer for those who want to keep their promise! Attention: Would Alec Baldwin, Rosie O'Donnell, Cher, Phil Donahue, David Gephin, Barbara Streisand, Pierre Salinger, and anyone else who made that promise, please dispose of all US assets and report to Florida for the sailing of the Funship Cruise, "Elation," which has been commissioned to take you to your new vacation homes in Afghanistan.

You may opt to be dropped off in Somalia or Iraq. The Florida Supreme Court will sponsor a Farewell Parade in your honor through Palm Beach, Broward, and Miami-Dade counties prior to your cruise. Please pack for an extended stay...at least four years and you should consider the possibility of eight years. Note: Since you advocate strict gun control, you may not bring any. Staffing your voyage is Bill Clinton as captain, Al Gore as cruise director, Monica Lewinsky as recreation director, Ted Kennedy as lifeguard and emergency procedures director, Rev. Jesse Jackson as spiritual advisor and marriage counselor, and Congressman Gary Condit as intern coordinator. If you've any questions about making arrangements for your homes, friends and loved ones, please direct your comments to Senator Hillary Clinton. Her village can raise your children while you're gone, and she can watch over all your money and your furnishings until you return. Bon Voyage!"

Is this a great country or what!

[Heath]

A day at the auto parts store.

A lady comes in and asks for a seven ten cap.
We all look at each other and ask, "What's a seven
ten cap?"
She says, "You know, it's right on the engine.
Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one."
"What kind of a car is it?" they ask. Now I'm
thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no,
she says that it's a Buick.
"Okay, Lady, how big is it?" She makes a circle
with her hands about 3.5 inches in diameter.
"What does it do?" we ask. She says, "I don't know, but
it's always been there."
One of us gives her a note pad and asks
her if she can draw a picture of it.
So she makes a circle about 3.5 inches
in diameter and in the center she
writes 710. The guys behind the counter are
looking at it as she writes it...and they
just fall down behind the counter laughing so
hard in hysterics. One guy says, "I think you
want an oil cap." She says, "Seven Ten cap,
oil cap, I don't care what you call it. I just
need one, and I don't see what is so funny
about it."


Now get a paper, draw a circle, write
710 inside of it. Now rotate the
circle 180 degrees.

[Heath]

A woman went to the doctors office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she randown the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "what's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grand-children, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

[Robb]

The bear is chasing the rabbit through the woods one day (as usual), and as they are running, they accidentally trip over an oil lantern sitting on the ground. All of a sudden, a guinee pops out and agrees to grant each of them 3 wishes.

He starts with the bear. Bear says "I wish every bear in these woods was female." Boda-bing, it's done.

Guinee turns to rabbit. "I wish I had a motorcycle!" The guinee and bear look at each other thinking this is a stupid wish, why doesn't he ask for a million dollars, then he can get all the motorcyles he wants. Anyway, boda-bing, it's done.

Bear's turn. Bear says, "My last wish was dumb, I wish every bear in the US was a female." Boda-bing, it's done.

Now rabbit. "I wish I had a helmet." Now both guinee and bear understand that rabbit is just an idiot!" Boda-bing, it's done.

Bear says, "I don't know what I was thinking earlier, I wish every bear on Earth was a female!" Boda-bing, it's done.

Guinee and bear both turn to rabbit. Rabbit puts on his helmet, jumps on bike, and kick-starts it. Rabbit then takes off like a bat out of hell while turning around and yelling, "I WISH THE BEAR WAS GAY!" Boda-bing

['96explorereddiebauer]

Here's a funny one for ya

A Kiss

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey Kiss in his mouth and asked, Do you know what it is?" "No, I don't," said the little boy. "Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work." That's when a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Quick....Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!!"

[Robb]

OK, there are too many posts here to look at them all, so I hope one hasn't been posted.

3 couples are looking to join this church. One day, they all have a meeting with the priest to discuss their future plans. The priest explains that his church is a relatively liberal church with very few rules. But to join, all three couples must pass one simple test. They must refrain from sexual relations for two weeks to show their commitment to the church. They end the meeting after making arrangements to meet at the same time, same place in two weeks.

2 weeks later.......

The priest looks to the 1st couple (an elderly couple in their 70s), and asks if they were successfull in their mission. The elderly man quickly responds, "we had no problem at all. Is was simple for us!" Priest says his congratulations and welcomes them to the congregation.

He then looks to 2nd couple (age 35 and 36, married 10 years) and asks the same question. The man replies, "yes we were good. It got a little tough about 10 days in, but me managed to calm our urges." Priest congratulates them and welcomes them into the church.

Priest then turns to 3rd couple (ages, both 22, married 18 months) and again asks if they were successfull in their lone mission. The man dips his head and says, "I tried to be good father, but last Saturday, my wife spilled some paint; and when she bent over to wipe it up, I just had to take her!" The priest, with a look of sorrow, explains "I'm sorry, but I can't allow youll to join our church." The man then speaks up and says, "that's okay father, they banned us from Home Depot too!"

[William Schumacher]

over a beer,a guy say's bartender,my horse outside has been very sad lately,do you know how to cheer him up ?

the bartender say's,let me go out and see.he whispers in the horses ear,and in no-time....the horse begins to laugh out loud.

the the guy thanks the bartender and head's for home.

a week later,the guy brings his horse back and say's that he still has not stopped laughing,and something needs to be done.

the bartender brings the horse into the back room, and returns with the horse a few monents later,but now the horse is crying ?

the guy say's to the bartender,this is just as bad as him laughing all day and night ?

by the way...what did you tell him last week to cheer him up ?

the bartender said I told him my hootus {that one was for you Gerrald !}
was bigger than his. {made him laugh}

and what did you do this week to make him stop laughing ?

the bartender said...I took him in the back and proved it to him.....{made him cry}

[Robb]

Letterman's Top 10: 'When the "F" word was probably acceptable '

10. "What the @#$% was that?" -Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" -Custer, 1877
8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." -Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" -Picasso, 1926
6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" -Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" -Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where the @#$% are we?" -Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers....My ass!" -Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" -Bill Clinton, 1999
And . . . . .drum roll . . . . . .
1."Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*ing mad." Osama bin Laden.

[TwoToneX]

One day a man is visited by a genie. He is issued three wishes, but the genie only offers them with one exception: his ex-wife gets twice whatever he wants.

The man thinks for a little then says "I want a million dollars."

Genie - "It's done, you have 1 million dollars, your ex-wife has 2 million dollars."

Man think some more - "I want a beach house in tahiti"

Genie - "Done, you have a beach house, you're ex-wife has 2 beach houses."

The man thinks for awhile about his third wish. He smiles and says "I wish I was beaten half to death."

[akcrogers]

Paraphrased from Jay Leno a couple nights back:

So Pr Bush has told Saddam that the only action Iraq can take to have US sanctions loosened is for Saddam to resign, and for there to be a fair and free election where the people choose their leader.

Saddam's reply: "You first"

I'm still chuckling about it

[offroader_69_me]

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do its own, entitled Survivor, Texas Style. The contestants will start in Dallas, travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they'll proceed to Abilene, Ft. Worth and finally back to Dallas.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I'm a vegetarian, I voted for Al Gore, George Strait Sucks and I'm here to confiscate your guns!" The first one to make it back to Dallas alive
wins..............

[Heath]

A female news reporter was interviewing a General in the Army regarding the
open house that the army base was holding for the local Boy Scouts.

The General explained that the boys were being run through the obstacle
course, learning survival tactics and then would be taken to the rifle
range.

The reporter questioned if that was appropriate to allow these young boys to
participate in such a dangerous activity as shooting. The General explained
that the boys would be well supervised on a closed range and that it was
quite safe.

The reporter further questioned if it was appropriate to allow these boys to
participate in such a violent activity as shooting and the General asked her
what she meant. To this the reporter said, "Well, aren't you equiping them
to become killers?"

To this, the General replied, well, you are equipped to be a prostitute, but
you aren't one, are you?

[agr99E.B.]

30 moments of zen
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk in front of me , for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leve me the Hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. Its always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's paper, thats the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless your not getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply as a warning to others.
10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of explorer payments.
12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
14. Give a man a fish he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he wil sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
16. Don't squat with your spurs on.
17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
18. If you drink, don't park, accidents cause people.
19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
20. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
21. Good judgement comes form bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
24. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
25. Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
26. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
27. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
28. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
29. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
30. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

[JDraper]

Did you hear they detained an 80 year old grandmother from boarding a plane in Chicago? Apparently the knitting needles in her bag caught the attention of security. They were afraid she would knit an Afghan.

[-=DaemoN=-]

1. HONOR ROLL - We was playin' poker on the stoop the other day, and man,
I was HONOROLL.

2. PLANET - I got me some seed to grow weed, so I PLANET in the backyard.

3. DISMAY - I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a big needle. He said, "DISMAY hurt a little.

4. OMELETTE - Every time I start a new job, OMELETTE go after a week.

5. STAIRWAY - When me and my homies get high, we STAIRWAY into space.

6. MOBILE - I went to buy crack, I was short on cash, my man said, "Gimme one MOBILE."

7. DEFENSE - I ran from the cops, and hopped DEFENSE and got away.

8. AFRO - I got so mad at my bitch, AFRO a lamp at her.

9. AFTERMATH - I like to be high in school, so AFTERMATH I go to the field and smoke weed.

10. LOCKET - I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET.

11. DOMINEERING - My girly's birthday was yesterday, I got her a DOMINEERING.

12. KENYA - I needed change fo the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA
spare some change.

13. DERANGE - DERANGE is where da deer and antelope play.

14. DATA - At my basketball game, I scored thirty points. My coach said, "DATA boy!"

15. COPULATE - I called 911 and an hour later when they show up, I said, "COPULATE!"

16. FASCINATE - My girly's boobies are so big. Her shirt has ten buttons, she can only FASCINATE.

17. BEWARE - I axed the man at the unemployment office, "Is this BEWARE I get a job?"

18. DIMENSION - I be tall, dark, handsome... and not DIMENSION hung like a horse.

19. COATROOM - The judge said, "One more outburst like that, and you'll be thrown out the COATROOM."

20. DECIDE - I like Vonda and Yolanda, but I like to have a couple of womens on DECIDE.

[GenerationX]

From today's Duct Tape Calendar:

Make a Weather Station

Adhere a rock to a strip of duct tape and hang it from a branch.
[list=1][*]Rock hangs straight down: Calm weather[*]Rock is wet: Rain.[*]Rock is white: snow.[*]Rock is moving slightly: Calm breeze.[*]Rock is swinging back and forth: a storm is coming (seek shelter soon)[*]Rock and duct tape are parallel to ground: Storm is here (Seek shelter now).[*]Rock is gone and duct tape is flapping wildly: Tornado or hurricane (too late to seek shelter- duct tape self to tree).[/list=1]
:p

[GJarrett]

A bum , who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approaches a well dressed gentleman on the street.
"
Hey, buddy, can you spare two dollars?" The well- dressed gentleman responds, " You are not going to spend it on liquor , are you?" The bum replies, " No, sir, I don't drink."
The man asks,
" You are not going to throw it away in some card game, are you?" " No way! I don't gamble, " answers the bum. " You wouldn't waste the money at a golf course for green fees, would you?" asks the man. " Never, " says the bum. " I don't play golf" . " You wouldn't waste the money for fishing gear, flies, boots, or rods, would you? "asks the man.

"Never" answers the bum. "I don't fish." Then the man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly. .....While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better him. " Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?"
" Probably, " says the man, " but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, fish, gamble, or play golf."

[spiper]

Here's one for you:

Welcome to Arkansas