Today's Day Brightener

[riffman]

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

Dear Lord:
I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife
merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.

God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose,cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids,set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches,drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, pay the bills and balance the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed
the dog. Then it was already 1:00 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids . Set out cookies and milk and got the
kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 p.m. he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9:00 p.m. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without
complaint..

The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by
the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel
you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

[biggs92EB]

I didnt read all 22 pages so hopefully these arent repeats
got this emailed to me today - some are tacky to say the least

What is a Yankee? Same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a harley and a hoover? The position of the dirtbag.

Why is divorce so expensive? Because its worth it.

What is the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinskys mouth? One US Leader.

Why is air like sex? Because its no big deal unless you are not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control? Thier personalities.

What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? about 45 lbs.

What is the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? about 45 minutes.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just sit in the dark and bitch.

Whats the fastest way to a mans heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

Why dont bunnies make noise when they have sex? because they have cotton balls.

Whats the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? The Porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Why do men find it hard to make eye contact with women? Becaue breast dont have eyes.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

have a nice day

[SoBeLover]

Here's something funny for the guys



Suggestions for Guys Golfing or Using A Public Bathroom:

Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
Form a loose grip.
Keep your head down.
Avoid a quick backswing.
Stay out of the water.
Try not to hit anyone.
If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
Don't stand directly in front of others.
Quiet please!... while others are preparing to go.
Don't take extra strokes.

[SoBeLover]

* You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

* Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

* You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

* At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

* You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

* The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

* Wookiees are offended by your B.O.

* You have used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

* You have ever the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

* Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

* You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.

* You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

* You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

* You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

* Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

* You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

* You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck.

* You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

[SoBeLover]

Here's something from The Exotic Joke Emporium http://forums.delphiforums.com/punster/start

First Time Parents Test

MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick
behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing
tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a
blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream
because this would wake a child at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with
you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they
eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag
making sure that all the arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend
from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert
spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending
to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds
of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and
hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm
for 10:00p.m.Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have
ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until
4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this
up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn
it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into
an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of
foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of
Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream
cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime.
Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of
chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden
rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.

PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your
clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And
try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing
them for a while.

PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask
the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go
to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly
deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it
quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how
they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet
training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can
improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their
children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time
you will have all the answers.

[SoBeLover]

I don't know if anyone has ever seen this, but this is quite funny.

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!


Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?" I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom.One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed.I immediately knew what to do."Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"

Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired.. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?). By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "OH, Gross!", they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know.(I really do think she was being snotty here, too, don't you?) We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a
scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug.It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know."Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young.I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass."What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr.and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us."This hamster is not in labor.In fact,that isn't EVER going to happen...Ernie is a boy." "What!?" "You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....er....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this."So Ernie's just...just... excited?" my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face." It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad" he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with
laughter.

2 - Hamsters - 10 bucks...
1 - Cage - 20 bucks
Trip to the Vet ...30 bucks...
Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster's wanker........Priceless!

[SoBeLover]

I just want to say to everyone here that in the past month and a half that I've been here, I have been made to feel very welcome. I now really feel part of this community. Most people that know me well, know I have a very naughty side to me.
Thanks to all of you for making me comfortable enough here now to be myself. (((((((((Hugs))))))))


During a recent survey, women were asked...

"What would you do if you woke up and had a penis?"

Here are their actual responses...

"I would walk around and prod my husband all night
long with it, whatever he is doing I'll be there prodding
him with it."

"I would write my name in the snow."

"I would go into my boss' office and lay it on his desk
and say: 'Where is my raise?'"

"I would find my ex-boyfriend, go to bed with him and
tell him to roll over and try something new."

"I would want a big one and show it off to everyone."

"I could grab myself in public and not be embarrassed."

"I would not lift the lid on the toilet seat while peeing."

"I would measure it both ways."

"Pee off of a tall building."

"I would speed to the hospital and have it surgically removed."

"I would treat women better with it."

"I would love him, and squeeze him, and play with it all day."

"Demonstrate to my husband and my two sons that it is possible to hit
the water and not pee all over everything."

"Pin my husband down and slap him in the face with it."

"I would play with it and then make him roll over into the wet spot."

"Go to an adult store and try out all kinds of stimulants to see what
was the best."

"Stand up and jump up and down and watch it swing all around."

"See how many donuts I could carry with it."

"Check out my boyfriends gag reflexes!"

[SoBeLover]

The Geography of a Woman

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and
open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically
unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man

Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.

[SoBeLover]

Dear Managment,

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases


Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work period
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving
the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management

[TravisC]

This might get deleted but it's really not that bad.

Two Pakatainies moved to the U.S., and when they did it was right around Halloween. They got invitied to a Halloween party and didn't understand why everyone would dress up like they do. They didn't want to do it because it was against their religion but the woman said what the heck. She ran upstairs to change and she came downstairs with nothing on. All she had was a lemon haning from a string that was around her waist. The guy was stunned and said she couldn't go like that. And she for him to change because they were leaving, so he ran upstairs to change. He came downstairs with nothing on but a potato haning from a string tied to his "thing." They looked at each other and the guy said to his wife, "what are you suppose to be." She said, "I'm a sourpuss, what are you." He said, "well if you're a sourpuss then I'm a dictator."

haha, kneeslapper!

[SoBeLover]

Here's a funny one for everyone......have a wonderful day!


Actual Performance Evaluations:

1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this employee to breed.
3. This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be.
4. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
5. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
6. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
7. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
8. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
9. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
10. This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
11. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
12. A 'gross' ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
13. He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.
14. I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
15. He's been working with glue too much.
16. He would argue with a signpost.
17. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
18. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
19. If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
20. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
21. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
22. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
24. Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
28. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
29. One neuron short of a synapse.
30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
31. Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
32. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

[SoBeLover]

This is just too funny.......enjoy


S.C. Anderson
PO Box 1302
Minnetonka, MN 55345

Superior Health Insurance
ATTN: Claims Review
1423 W. 90th St.
New York, NY 05016


Dear Sir

This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a more
detailed explanation concerning my recent internment at Methodist Hospital.

Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to Block 21(a)(3)
of the claim form (reason for hospital visit). On the original form, I put "Stupidity."

I realize now that this answer was somewhat vague and so I will attempt
to more fully explain the circumstances leading up to my hospitalization.

I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick bite to
eat at the local burger joint. I entered the bathroom, took care of my
business, and just prior to the moment in which I had planned to raise my trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of the toilet paper in such places came undone and, feeling it striking my knee unthinkingly, I immediately, and with unnecessary force, returned the lid back to its normal position.

Unfortunately, as I did this I also turned and certain parts of my
body, which were still exposed, were trapped between the device's lid and its main body. Feeling such intense and immediate pain caused me to jump back.

It quickly came to my attention that, when one's privates are firmly
attached to an immovable object, it is not a good idea to jump in the opposite direction.

Upon recovering some of my senses, I attempted to reopen the lid.
However, my slamming of it had been sufficient to allow the locking mechanism to engage.

I then proceeded to get a hold on my pants and subsequently removed my
keys from them. I intended to try to force the lock of the device open with one of my keys; thus extracting myself.

Unfortunately, when I attempted this, my key broke in the lock.
Embarrassment of someone seeing me in this unique position became a
minor concern, and I began to call for help in as much of a calm and rational manner as I could.

An employee from the restaurant quickly arrived and decided that this
was a problem requiring the attention of the store manager.
Betty, the manager, came quickly. She attempted to unlock the device with her keys. Since I had broken my key off in the device, she could not get her key in.

Seeing no other solution, she called the EMS (as indicated on your form
in block 21(b)(1)).

After approximately 15 minutes, the EMS arrived, along with two police
officers, a fire-rescue squad, and the channel 4 "On-the-Spot" news
team. The guys from the fire department quickly took charge as this was obviously a rescue operation.

The senior member of the team discovered that the device was attached
with bolts to the cement wall that could only be reached once the device was unlocked. His discovery was by means of tearing apart the device located in
the stall next to the one that I was in. (Since the value of the
property destroyed in his examination was less than $50 (my deductible) I did not include it in my claim.)

His partner, who seemed like an intelligent fellow at the time, came up
with the idea of cutting the device from the wall with the propane torch that was in the rescue truck.

The fireman went to his truck, retrieved the torch, and commenced to
attempt to cut the device from the wall. Had I been in a state to think of such things, I might have realized that in cutting the device from the wall several things would also inevitably happen.

First, the air inside of the device would quickly heat up, causing items inside the device to suffer the same effects that are normally achieved by placing things in an oven.

Second, the metal in the device is a good conductor of heat causing
items that are in contact with the device to react as if thrown into a hot skillet.

And, third, molten metal would shower the inside of the device as the
torch cut through.

The one bright note of the propane torch was that it did manage to cut,
in the brief time that I allowed them to use it, a hole big enough for a small pry bar to be placed inside of the device.

The EMS team then loaded me, along with the device, into the waiting
ambulance as stated on your form.

Due the small area of your block 21(a)(3), I was unable to give a full
explanation of these events, and thus used the word which I thought
best described my actions that led to my hospitalization.

Sincerely,
S. C. Anderson

[ahhjaws]

Ouch!!

[aldive]

Three guys; A Canadian, Osama Bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

Uncle Sam asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out--virtually impenetrable."

Uncle Sam says,
"Fill it with water"

[Gimp]

After careful research, it has been discovered that the great artist, Van Gogh, had many relatives. Among them:

His obnoxious brother ……………. Please Gogh

His brother who worked at a convenience store …..Stop’n Gogh

The brother who always ate prunes …. Gotta Gogh

The brother who bleached his clothing white … Hue Gogh

His dizzy aunt …. Verti Gogh

His cousin from Illinois ……. Chica Gogh

His grandfather from Yugoslavia …. U Gogh

His magician cousin …..Wherediddy Gogh

His Mexican half cousin ….. Grin Gogh

His nephew who drove a stagewagon ….Wellsfar Gogh

His constipated uncle …Kant Gogh

His ballroom dancing aunt … Tan Gogh

The bird loving uncle … Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychcoanalyst … E. Gogh

His fruit loving cousin … Man Gogh

His positive thinking aunt … Wayto Gogh

His sister who loved disco … Go Gogh

His niece who drove a van ….Winniebay Gogh

And so on!

[SoBeLover]

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini - "I want to feel your breasts," he exclaimed.

"Get away from me, you crazy old man!" she replied.

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.

"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS," he stated.

"NO! Get away from me!"

"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS!" he offered.

She pauses to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says, "I said NO!"

"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts!" he exclaimed.

She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough... and $500 IS a lot of money... "Well, OK... but only for a minute."

She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.

Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"

[SoBeLover]

Quotes about sex: ("borrowed" from Red's Texan Bar & Grill )

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex?
Me neither."
Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation.
The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms.
But men can fake whole relationships."
Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."
Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)


"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush
(Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex.
Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
Rod Stewart

[Blee1099]

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's rear."

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?


Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on..........

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your rear?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

[aldive]

I visit US, get treated regal,
So I stay, who care I illegal?
I cross ocean, poor and broke,
Take bus, see employment folk.
Nice man treat me good in there,
Say I need to see welfare.
Welfare say, "You come no more,
We send cash right to your door."
Welfare checks, they make you wealthy,
Medicaid, it keep you healthy!
I go to college, for me it's free,
and now I have a Ph.D.
By and by, I got plenty money,
Thanks to you, American dummy.
Write to friends in motherland,
Tell them come as fast as you can.
They come in turbans and Ford trucks,
I buy big house with welfare bucks.
They come here, we live together,
More welfare checks, it gets better!
Fourteen families they moving in,
But neighbor's patience wearing thin.
Finally, white guy moves away,
Now I buy his house, and then I say,
"Find more aliens for house to rent."
And in the yard I put a tent.
Send for family (they just trash),
But they, too, draw the welfare cash!
Everything is very good,
And soon we own the neighborhood.
We have hobby-- it's called breeding,
Welfare pay for baby feeding.
Kids need dentist? Wife need pills?
We get free! We got no bills!
American crazy! He pay all year,
To keep welfare running here.
We think America darn good place!
Too darn good for the white man race.
If they no like us, they can scram,
Got lots of room in Pakistan.

[aldive]

President Bush decided to send a message to former
(thank God) president Clinton who was visiting his Hamas friends in the Middle East.

Clinton opened the letter and it appeared to contain a
coded message: 370HSSV-0773H

Slick Willy couldn't figure it out so he typed it out
and emailed it to Janet Reno.

Reno and her aides had no clue either so they sent it
to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service... the list got longer and longer.

Eventually they asked Mossad in Israel for help. Cpt: Abraham Romstein took one look at it and replied:
"Tell Mr. Clinton he is looking at the message upside down