Today's Day Brightener

[Teri]

I felt old the other day when one of the youngins were talking about driving someones older vehicle, and he was so flabergasted about the high beam being on the floor!!
Hee hee hee, I remember how funny I thought they were being on the blinker knobber!!!!!!!
Now that made me feel old!

[rustytr]

http://www.dovewinds.com/dubya/ballot.htm





[Edited by rustytr on 11-29-2000 at 06:40 AM]

[GJarrett]

AlGoreithm, n. (al-gor-ith-m)

Any method of calculation performed repeatedly until a prior desired result
is produced.

[95ExplorerLtd]

Ok, I have a moron story to share. This past summer I was working at a restaurant in our little town that was designed on a post it note, and this couple came in. The woman was taking forever deciding what they wanted and she asked all sorts of questions about the ingredients. She asked me " Is your meat that you use hot?" and me being the moron I am, reply "Well once it goes on the pizza we bake it in the oven, so yeah, its hot." She just blinked at me and then goes " Is it..spicy?" and inside my head I did that Homer Simpson doh! sound while her husband was snickering behind her. I stayed in back and washed dishes till they left....

[rustytr]

As the woman passed her daughter’s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself quite a workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, “What in the world are you doing?”
The daughter replied, “Mom, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.”

The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, “Dad, I'm thirty- five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.”

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked, “What the hell are you doing?”

The husband replied, “I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law.”

[FlyAU]

[FlyAU]

'Twas the Night Before Finals

Twas the night before finals,
And all through the college,
The students were praying
For last minute knowledge.

Most were quite sleepy,
But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays
danced in their heads.

Out in the taverns,
A few were still drinking,
And hoping that liquor
would loosen up their thinking.

In my own apartment,
I had been pacing,
And dreading exams
I soon would be facing.

My roommate was speechless,
His nose in his books,
And my comments to him
Drew unfriendly looks.

I drained all the coffee,
And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring
That my nerves were shot.

I stared at my notes,
But my thoughts were muddy,
My eyes went ablur,
I just couldn't study.

"Some pizza might help,"
I said with a shiver,
But each place I called
Refused to deliver.

I'd nearly concluded
That life was too cruel,
With futures depending
On grades had in school.

When all of a sudden,
Our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint Put It Off
Ambled inside.

Her spirit was careless,
Her manner was mellow,
Her attitude fearless,
She started to bellow:

"What kind of student
Would make such a fuss,
To toss back at teachers
What they tossed at us?"

"On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!
On Last Year's Exams!
On Wingit and Slingit,
And Last Minute Crams!"

Her message delivered,
She vanished from sight,
But we heard her laughing
Outside in the night.

"Your teachers have pegged you,
So just do your best.
Happy Finals to All,
And to All, a good test."

[NoBoundaries]

Don't know if you all have seen this one yet or if it's been posted, but it's pretty funny.

[Maniak]

This came from the DSM list (Diamond Star Motors) - e.g. Eagle Talons, Mitsubishi Eclipse

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all thru the roost,
The turbo was silent; there was simply no boost

I'd poked, and I'd prodded, and experienced pain,
But my diagnosing had all been in vain.

"This turbo is garbage - it won't @#$%@ spin!"
So I kicked it, and cursed, and turned to head in,

When on the garage roof I heard such a crash,
To the pry bar in haste I made a mad dash.

"If your on my roof you'd best be retreating!"
And outside I went to deliver the beating,

When what to my bloodshot eyes should appear,
But a trick DSM and a turbo reindeer!

They were polished, and ported, and snorting indeed,
And attached to them all were dual 20g's!

Behind the Grant wheel was a driver so slick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

He hopped from his ride and went to the back,
And from under the hatch he pulled out a sack.

Then he dropped to the ground with such a loud clunk,
I knew that his sack was filled with car junk!

"I see that your turbo has finally died,
And that it's death has plumb made you cry.

"A NEW turbo for you is the answer I see."
And out of his sack he pulled a Frank3!

I came near to fainting as he gave it to me;
It was better than a hit of pure LSD.

"But wait, there's more - you'll need to look good."
And out came new wheels and a sweet carbon hood.

I said, "This is great!" as I looked at each one,
But Santa, it seems, was not quite yet done.

"An FMIC you will need to stay cool,
And to put this stuff on you need some air tools."

He pulled it all out; laid it all at my feet,
Then jumped back to his ride without missing a beat.

"I've got to be off, so install that with care,"
Then he launched off the roof back into the air.

I heard him exclaim over his turbos so shrill,
"Next year at the track, some Honduh's we'll kill!"

[KodeBlu]

Once upon a time, there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself.
A local witch had given him special powers. One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside.

The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked them to stop. Then he said to them: "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now."

The bear (being greedy) went first. "I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me."

A magical sound and it was done.

Then the rabbit said. "I would like a helmet." This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet.

It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the neighboring forest to be female." A magical sound and it was done.

The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle."

Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle.

The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me."

A magical sound and it was done.

The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, and said,

"I wish the bear was gay" and took off like a bat out hell.

[CougarX]

Ok guys, we're falling a couple days behind on our jokes. Here's one to start us back up.

How to Get Your Ass Kicked in The South

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle
House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours
a day. Let them cook something they know. If you
confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at our Southern names. (Merleen, Bodie,
Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez,
Billy Joe, Sissy, etc.) These people have all been
known to kick ass.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down
here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying
damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up, or
whatever - it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise
can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate
than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are
also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't
refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your
ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith
of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV,
Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small
lapses in judgment (e.g., Carter, Edwards, Duke,
Barnes). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We
can still kick your ass.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had
listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at
Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle,
you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of
Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain
about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so
shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell
out of here - or we'll kick your ass.

8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone
will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your
biscuits like God intended. Don't put sugar on your
grits, or we'll kick your ass.

9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot,
and you will get your ass kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at
home because we don't give a damn. Many of us have
visited hell holes like Detroit, Chicago, L.A., and D.C.,
and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it
here, Delta is ready when you are. Take your ass
home before it gets kicked.

11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We
talk this way because we don't want to sound like you.
We don't care if you don't understand what we are
saying. All other Southerners understand what we are
saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or
we'll kick your ass.

12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted.
None of OUR lakes have caught fire like scenic Lake
Erie once did. Whine about OUR scenic beauty, and
we'll kick your ass all the way back into Boston
Harbor.

13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "sir"
and "ma'am," hold doors open for others, and offer our
seats to old folks because such things are expected of
civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet
little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some
manners into your ass just like they did ours.

14) So you think we're quaint or we're losers because
most of us live in the countryside? That's because we
have enough sense to not live in smelly, crime-infested
cesspools like New York or L.A. Make fun of our fresh
air, and we'll kick your ass.

15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down
here trying to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will
get your ass shot off (right after it is kicked). You're
lucky we let you come down here at all. Question our
sacred BBQ, and you go home in a pine box - minus
your ass.

Y'all have a nice day!

[95ExplorerLtd]

Oh my gosh thats hilarious! Beign frm Texas myself, I know the importance of our mesquite barbecue. Got a problem with it? I didnt think so, cuz I'll kick your ass

We were coming back home from a ball game the other day and this old couple pulled up behind us in a Kimmy and their dome light was on, and as soon as they stopped, the old man who was driving immediately stuck his finger up his nose. We almost died.

[95ExplorerLtd]

Ooops, I didnt mean "Kimmy" I meant "Jimmy"

My bad.

[mattadams]

thought you might get a kick out of this one...

[rustytr]

I was reading somewhere a couple of days ago the texas department of transportation got in trouble from animal activists because they paved over a deer.lol. I guess a hoof was sticking out of the pavement or something...

[GJarrett]

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy $h#t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick (needs more beans).
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. Whershz that nexscht beer?

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb. witch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Liza's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pi$$es me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vikki's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my hemmorrhoids with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like toxic waste to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.

[TheMattDaddy]

Wonder if Al saw that on his drive home.


'nuf said.

[Brian1]

Keeping with the political theme (Gerald, you will like this!)

Along with the transition process, Pres-elect Bush's team has some ideas regarding a retrofit of Air Force 1 . . . .

[95ExplorerLtd]

This is prolly walking the line here, but.....
[Now it's not. Just needed a little rewording ] -Gerald

This guy had been working in a pickle factory for 20 years and one day he comes home early. His wife asks why he's home so early and he replies " I've been working in that pickle factory for 20 years and ever since I started working there I've always wanted to stick my hootus in the pickle slicer, and today, I finally did."
Wifey gasps and sez " Well are you ok? What did they do?" He replies "Well I'm ok, but they fired me." And she asks " Well..what did they do to the pickle slicer?"
He sez, "Oh, they fired her too."

[Edited by GJarrett on 12-28-2000 at 02:11 PM]

[beachbuggy]

First off, I'm new to this site - but so far it's awesome!

Why does a blonde smile during a lighting storm?

She thinks her picture is being taken!