1. Register Today It's free! This box and some ads will disappear once registered!

    Dismiss Notice

George Carlin's Rules for 2006

Discussion in 'Exploring everything under the sun!!' started by Stang Girl, June 22, 2006.

^^Searches ExplorerForum.com^^



Do Not Sell My Personal Information


  1. Stang Girl

    Stang Girl Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    July 11, 2005
    Messages:
    1,300
    Likes Received:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    48
    City, State:
    Bastrop, TX
    Year, Model & Trim Level:
    '04 Cobra R Clone
    George Carlin's new rules for 2006

    New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a
    reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

    New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

    New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're
    a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

    New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done

    New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of
    this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry,
    but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

    New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned
    pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

    New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a$$
    hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decafe grande half-soy,
    half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a$$ hole.

    New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
    entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding,
    no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is
    supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

    New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
    make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your a$$. And it
    translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
    spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
    spiritual. You're just high.

    New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
    sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because
    watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
    What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's
    called "The Howard Stern Show."

    New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
    I'll go nuts and eat two.

    New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
    television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote
    so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the
    reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea
    wasn't good enough to be a movie.

    New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

    New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

    New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
    months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.
    And I didn't really care in the first place
     
  2. Support EF

    Join the Elite Explorers for $20.

    Explorer Forum has probably saved you that much already, and will continue to save you money as you learn how to diagnose fix problems yourself and learn which modifications work without having to experiment on your own. Elite Explorer members see practically no advertisements, can add their own profile photo, upload photo attachments in all forums, and Media Gallery, create more private Conversations, and more. Join Today. Your support is greatly appreciated.



  3. ExploreH.B.

    ExploreH.B. B

    Joined:
    June 13, 2006
    Messages:
    27
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    City, State:
    Lake Elsinore
    Year, Model & Trim Level:
    '91 XLT 4x4
    George Carlin kicks ass.

    One of my favorites from him:

    "You know those little ribbons of different colors for different causes? You got yellow for support the troops, red for AIDS and pink for brest cancer. Well mine is brown, and you know what it stands for? Eat shit motherfuker!"
     
  4. FROADER

    FROADER Moderator Staff Member Moderator Elite Explorer

    Joined:
    January 28, 2000
    Messages:
    19,935
    Media:
    71
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    125
    Trophy Points:
    93
    City, State:
    Huntington Beach, CA
    Year, Model & Trim Level:
    1997 XLT
    That is a good one. I remember seeing that one on HBO a looong time ago.
     
  5. Rick

    Rick Pumpkin Pilot Staff Member Admin Elite Explorer

    Joined:
    February 8, 1999
    Messages:
    31,722
    Media:
    43
    Albums:
    4
    Likes Received:
    876
    Trophy Points:
    143
    City, State:
    Wayoutin, Aridzona
    Year, Model & Trim Level:
    '93 XL Pumpkin Edition
    Callsign:
    AB7FH
    Those were some great new rules. He's an awesome comic:D
     
  6. leenjen

    leenjen Explorer Addict

    Joined:
    May 6, 2001
    Messages:
    5,416
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    City, State:
    in the poconos, PA
    Year, Model & Trim Level:
    2001 sport
  7. Rick

    Rick Pumpkin Pilot Staff Member Admin Elite Explorer

    Joined:
    February 8, 1999
    Messages:
    31,722
    Media:
    43
    Albums:
    4
    Likes Received:
    876
    Trophy Points:
    143
    City, State:
    Wayoutin, Aridzona
    Year, Model & Trim Level:
    '93 XL Pumpkin Edition
    Callsign:
    AB7FH
    Dang, ya just can't believe anything on the net.:confused:
     
  8. FROADER

    FROADER Moderator Staff Member Moderator Elite Explorer

    Joined:
    January 28, 2000
    Messages:
    19,935
    Media:
    71
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    125
    Trophy Points:
    93
    City, State:
    Huntington Beach, CA
    Year, Model & Trim Level:
    1997 XLT
    Wow, people even fake comics' quote now?
     
  9. sn0border88

    sn0border88 Master Apprentice Elite Explorer

    Joined:
    June 27, 2005
    Messages:
    4,205
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    0
    City, State:
    Souderton, PA
    Year, Model & Trim Level:
    1992 XLT
    Everyone should go get his books, now.

    Braindroppings
    Napalm and Silly Putty
    When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?

    Napalm and Silly Putty is the funniest, but all of them are awsome.

    I also move to nominate Mr. Carlin as President of the United States. or God.
     
  10. Skibug

    Skibug Active Member

    Joined:
    June 21, 2004
    Messages:
    322
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    City, State:
    Pensacola, FL
    Year, Model & Trim Level:
    96 Sport 4x4
    I love George Carlin. I got to see him when he came in town last year. I laughed so hard. I am not the type of person that will read a book, but I did read "When will Jesus Bring the Porkchops". It was hilarious.
     

Share This Page







We Support Our Troops!