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I'm in a silly mood right now so it's on!

Discussion in 'Exploring everything under the sun!!' started by SVT Girl, May 6, 2004.

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  1. Albino 94LTD

    Albino 94LTD Recovering from Moab 2016 Elite Explorer

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    I can't let this thread die

    Subject: chili cook off...Texas Style

    This is from Frank, who was visiting Texas from Cincinnati (Fairfield)...

    "Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State
    Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off.
    Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment,and I
    happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by
    the other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a
    true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all
    that spicy,and besides, they told me I could have FREE beer during the
    tasting, so I accepted.

    Here are the scorecards from the event."
    Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

    JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

    JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

    FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
    paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    *******************************************
    Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

    JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

    JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

    FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed
    to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me
    the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when
    they saw the look on my face.

    *********************************************
    Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

    JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

    JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

    FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
    I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid
    pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
    I feel gas pockets shooting between my pelvic sockets. I'm getting
    shit-faced.

    *********************************************
    Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

    JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

    JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
    other mild foods, not much of a chili.

    FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
    taste it, it feels good on my chin. Sally, the bar maid, was standing
    behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT,
    just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. My nose is running profusely, I
    am fairly sure it is not blood, eyesight getting blurry...

    *********************************************
    Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

    JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
    adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

    JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
    the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

    FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted
    and four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant seemed
    offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally
    saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a
    pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
    Screw those rednecks!

    *********************************************
    Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

    JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
    spice and peppers.

    JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
    garlic.Superb!

    FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric
    flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that mut Sally. I
    need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! The sun is spinning and colored
    disks are flying out of it---I think I'm having a religious experience. I'm
    pretty sure I just wet my shorts.

    *********************************************
    Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

    JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

    JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
    chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about
    Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
    uncontrollably and clutching his crotch.

    FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
    feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds
    like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which
    slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to
    match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.
    I've decided to stop breathing,it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
    oxygen anyway. If I need air,I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole
    in my stomach.

    *********************************************
    Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

    JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending... this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
    not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

    JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor
    hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out,
    fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to
    make it. Poor Yank.

    FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
     
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  3. SVT Girl

    SVT Girl Active Member

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    How To Speak About Women And Be Politically Correct:

    She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

    She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

    She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

    She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

    She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

    She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

    She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

    She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

    She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

    She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

    She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

    She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

    She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER
     
  4. SVT Girl

    SVT Girl Active Member

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    How To Speak About Men And Be Politically Correct:

    He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

    He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

    He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

    He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

    He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS

    He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

    He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

    He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.

    He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
     
  5. SVT Girl

    SVT Girl Active Member

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    It has been studied and determined that the most often used
    Sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.


    The husband sits up and begs...
    And the wife rolls over and plays dead. :D
     
  6. jimbo74

    jimbo74 Elite Exploder

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    i am smarter today just for reading htis :)
     
  7. Stic-o

    Stic-o Elite Movie Star Elite Explorer

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    Work translator

    A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still clueless.

    EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE

    PROBLEM - We just hired three kids fresh out of college.

    CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We know who to blame.

    MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.

    CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.

    PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The stupid thing blew up when we threw the switch.

    TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.

    THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person who understood the thing quit.

    IT IS IN THE PROCESS - It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.

    WE WILL LOOK INTO IT - Forget it! We have enough problems for now.

    PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.

    GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.

    GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION - I can't wait to hear this junk!

    SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS - Come into my office, I'm lonely.

    ALL NEW - Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.

    RUGGED - Too heavy to lift!

    LIGHTWEIGHT - Lighter than RUGGED.

    YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - One finally worked.

    ENERGY SAVING - Achieved when the power switch is off. LOW

    MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.
     
  8. Positive Vibes

    Positive Vibes Elite Explorer

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    So nobody knows what you call a guy with no arms and no legs on your front door step??
     
  9. heyok

    heyok Active Member

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    I have a feeling the guy's name would be Matt :)
     
  10. Albino 94LTD

    Albino 94LTD Recovering from Moab 2016 Elite Explorer

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    from my 4 year old son

    Why couldn't the flower ride his bike??

















    Because he lost his pedals.
     
  11. SVT Girl

    SVT Girl Active Member

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    The things that kids come up with. :)
     
  12. Positive Vibes

    Positive Vibes Elite Explorer

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    Correct. I thought I was being ignored. :)

    What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on your wall?
     
  13. Campo

    Campo Elitus Explorus

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    why that would be my buddy ART...LOL...
     
  14. Positive Vibes

    Positive Vibes Elite Explorer

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    A guy with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?
     
  15. Albino 94LTD

    Albino 94LTD Recovering from Moab 2016 Elite Explorer

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    KG7PKQ
    One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they

    are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts

    feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he

    leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he

    says to her: "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?"



    Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see

    us!"



    Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"



    Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?



    "Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all

    sleeping!"



    Her:"No way. It's just too risky!"



    Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so

    much?!?"



    Her:"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"



    Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"



    Her: "No, no. I just can't"



    Him: "I beg you..."



    Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and

    the girl's little sister shows up in her pajamas, hair

    dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says

    to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Otherwise I can do

    it. Or if need be, dad says he can come down himself and

    do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off

    the intercom."
     
  16. heyok

    heyok Active Member

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    A guy with no arms and no legs in a hole?
     
  17. Albino 94LTD

    Albino 94LTD Recovering from Moab 2016 Elite Explorer

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    Robert

    A guy with no arms and no legs in a hole?

    Douglas

    actually the shorter versions of those names.

    How old are you?

    Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long as we
    have.................
    As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
    Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a
    special treat.
    Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.
    We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and
    when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention hitchhiking
    to town as a young kid!)
    We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
    Horrors.
    We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode
    down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running
    into the bushes a few times we learned to solve the problem.

    We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we
    were back when the streetlights came on.
    No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones.
    Unthinkable.
    We played dodge ball and sometimes the ball would really hurt.
    We got cut and broke bones and broke teeth and there were no law suits
    from these accidents.
    They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents?

    We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and
    learned to get over it.
    We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugar soda but we were
    never overweight.... .....we were always outside playing.
    We shared one grape soda with four friends, from one bottle and no one
    died from this?

    We did not have Playstations, ; Nintendo 64, X Boxes, video games at
    all, 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal
    cellular phones, Personal Computers, internet chat
    rooms, ............... we had friends.
    We went outside and found them.
    We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or
    rung the bell or just walked in and talked to them. Imagine such a
    thing. Without asking a parent! By ourselves!
    Out there in the cold cruel world! Without a guardian. How did we do
    it?

    We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and
    although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many
    eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.
    We ate penny candy, swallowed bubblegum -and our intestines did not
    stick together because of it.
    Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who
    didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.....
    Some students weren't as smart as others so they failed a grade and
    were held back to repeat the same grade.....Horrors.
    Tests were not adjusted for any reason.

    Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. No one to hide
    behind. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was
    unheard of. They actually sided with the law, imagine that!

    This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem
    solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years has been an explosion
    of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and
    responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
     
  18. DMan446

    DMan446 Active Member

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    A little girl and her father were walking through the garden when she notices two spiders mating.
    Girl "Dad, whats that?"
    Dad "Its a daddy longleggs"
    Girl "Is the one on the bottom the mommy longleggs?"
    Dad "No, it is also a daddy longleggs"

    With this the little girl takes her foot and stomps them flat

    Girl "Well were not going to have any of that sh*t in our garden"



    The president of a large company goes on vacation and leaves his vp in charge. The vp hires two new employees while the pres is gone. The two new employees are Sue and Jack.
    Two weeks later the pres comes back from his vacation. He catches up with business and looks at the profits. He notices they are down this month and informs the vp that he must lay off one of the new employees.
    The vp puzzled asks him "Which one should I lay off? They both have the same qualifications for the job." The pres "I tell you what, the first one to use the water fountain tomorrow, lay them off."
    The next day Sue comes in with a severe hangover from partying the night before. She goes over to the water fountain to take some headache medicine. The vp noticing this walks over to her. "Sue, Im afraid I have some bad news. Business is down this month and I have no choice but to lay you or Jack off." Sue was quick to reply:"Well you will just have to jack off, I have a headache."


    Q. Whats the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?





    A. You can unscrew the lightbulb.
     
  19. DMan446

    DMan446 Active Member

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    Do you also remember when kids used to have to walk 5 miles to the bus stop in the rain,sleet and snow with nothing but a tee-shirt and holey jeans, and no shoes. Up-hill both ways.........
     
  20. DMan446

    DMan446 Active Member

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    Albino, im not mocking you in any way. I agree 100%

    Not to mention there was no such thing as ADD or ADHD. The cure was not a pill it was a leather strap across your butt. The most commonly used device for birth control was abstinance. You would go out and play in the rain with your friends and make dirt pies and eat it with no ill effect.

    As far as obessity is concerned, food back then was MORE fatting than it is now. Everything used to be cooked in lard.

    You felt like the luckiest kid in the world when your family owned one of the 3 tv's in the entire neighborhood vs. one in every room like now.

    There were no pills like viagra, levitra, prilosec....


    Just my $.02
     
  21. Albino 94LTD

    Albino 94LTD Recovering from Moab 2016 Elite Explorer

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    Damn DMman YOU'RE OLD if you remember all that! :bounce:

    We used to live near a golf course (couldn't afford to be members). We would run and hide from the guys setting the sprinklers in the evenings. We'd pick up balls from the woods and take them to the pro shop. $.01/ball and a candy bar in the vending machine cost a dime.

    Jeez, am I....that old?
     

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