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Post your funny Christmas greetings and poems etc.

Discussion in 'Exploring everything under the sun!!' started by Positive Vibes, December 8, 2004.

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    1. Positive Vibes

      Positive Vibes Elite Explorer

      Joined:
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      City, State:
      Santa Cruz, Ca
      Year, Model & Trim Level:
      '94 XLT
      'Twas da night befo' Christmas and all in the hood, Not a homie was stirring cuz it was all good. The tube socks was hung on the window sill and we all had smiles up on our grill. Mookie and BeBe was snug in the crib, in the back bedroom cuz that's how we live. And Moms in her do-rag and me with my nine, had just gotten busy cuz girlfriend is fine. All of a sudden a lowrider rolled by, Bumpin' phat beats cuz the system was fly. I bounced to the window at a quarter past, 'Bout ready to pop a cap in somebody's ass! well anyway.... I yelled to my lady, Yo peep this! She said, Stop frontin' & just mind yo' bidness. I said, for real doe, come check dis out.We weren't even buggin', no worries, no doubt. Cuz bumpin' an thumpin' from around da way Was Santa, 8 reindeer and a sleigh. Da beats was kickin', da ride was phat I said, "Yo red Dawg, you all that!" He threw up a sign and yelled to his boyz, "Ay yo, give it up, let's make some noise!" To the top of the projects & across the strip mall, We gots ta go, I got a booty call!" He pulled up his ride on the top a da roof, and sippin' on a 40, he busted a move. I yelled up to Santa, "Yo ain't got no stack!" he said, "Damn homie, deese projects is wack! But don't worry black, cuz I gots da skillz I learnt back when I hadda pay da billz." Out from his bag he pulled 3 small tings - a credit card, a knife, and a bobby pin. He slid down the fire exscape smoove as a cat, and busted the window wit' a b-ball bat.

      I said, "Whassup, Santa? Whydya bust my place?" he said,"You best get on up out my face!" His threads was all leatha, his chains was all gold, His sneaks was Puma and they 5 years old. He dropped down the duffle, Bulls logo on the side. Santa broke out da loot and my mouf opened wide. A wink of his eye and a shine off gold toof,
      He cabbage patched his way back onto the roof. He jumped in his hooptie wit' rims made of chrome, To tap that big booty waitin' at home.

      And all I heard as he cruised outta sight, was a loud and hearty.....
      "WEEESST SIIIIDE!!!!!!!"
       
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    3. Critical_Level2

      Critical_Level2 Well-Known Member

      Joined:
      November 29, 2001
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      City, State:
      Ridley Park, PA
      Year, Model & Trim Level:
      1999 XLS R.I.P.
      Here is a little song: The 12 Pains of Christmas

      The first thing at Christmas,
      That's such a pain to me:
      Is finding a Christmas tree,

      The second thing at Christmas,
      That's such a pain to me:
      rigging up the lights,
      and finding a Christmas tree,

      The third thing at Christmas
      That's such a pain to me:
      hangovers, rigging up the lights
      and finding a Christmas tree,

      The fourth thing at Christmas,
      That's such a pain to me:
      sending Christmas cards,
      hangovers, rigging up the lights
      and finding a Christmas tree

      The fifth thing at Christmas
      That's such a pain to me:
      Five month of bills,
      sending Christmas cards,
      hangovers, rigging up the lights
      and finding a Christmas tree

      The sixth thing at Christmas
      That's such a pain to me:
      Facing my in-laws,
      five months of bills,
      I hate those Christmas cards,
      hangovers, rigging up these lights
      and finding a Christmas tree,

      The seventh thing a Christmas,
      that's such a pain to me:
      the Salvation Army, facing my in-laws,
      five months of bills, sending Christmas cards,
      ohhh geeez, I'm tryin to rig up these lights
      and finding a Christmas tree

      The eighth thing at Christmas,
      that's such a pain to me:
      (kids voice) I want a transformer for Christmas,
      Charities and what do you mean your in-laws?
      five months of bills, uh makin up these cards,
      please get me a beer huh,
      what we have no extension cords?
      and finding a Christmas tree,

      The ninth thing at Christmas
      that's such a pain to me:
      finding parking spaces,
      (kid) daddy I want some candy,
      donations, facing my in-laws
      five months of bills,
      writing out those Christmas cards,
      hangovers, now why the hell are they blinking?
      and finding a Christmas tree,

      The tenth thing at Christmas
      That's such a pain to me:
      Batteries not included, no parking spaces,
      (kid) by me something, get a job you bum,
      facing my in-laws, five months of bills,
      yo-ho sending Christmas cards,
      oh-geez look at this,
      one light goes out they all go out,
      and finding a Christmas tree,

      The eleventh thing at Christmas
      That's such a pain to me:
      Stale T.V. specials, batteries not included,
      no parking spaces
      (kid) mum I gotta go bathroom,
      charites, she's a witch I hate her,
      five months of bills,
      i dont even know half these people,
      oh who has the toilet paper,
      turn the flashlight on I blew a fuse
      and finding a Christmas tree,

      The twelfth thing at Christmas
      that's such a pain to me:
      singing Christmas carols, stale T.V. specials,
      batteries not included, no parking,
      (kid crying), charities, gonna make em dinner,
      five months of bills,
      I'm not sending em mister that's it,
      shut up you, you're so smart you rig up the lights
      and finding a christmas tree.
       
    4. aldive

      aldive Elite In Memoriam

      Joined:
      January 17, 2001
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      Year, Model & Trim Level:
      1999 XLT
      'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
      How to live in a world that's politically correct?
      His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
      "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
      And labour conditions at the North Pole
      were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

      Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
      Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
      And equal employment had made it quite clear
      That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
      So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid
      Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

      The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
      The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
      And people had started to call for the cops
      When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.
      Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
      His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

      And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
      Rudolf was suing over unauthorised use of his nose
      And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
      Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
      So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
      Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,

      Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
      Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
      And as for the gifts, why, he'd never had a notion
      That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
      Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
      Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

      Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
      Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot.
      Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.
      Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys.
      Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
      Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.

      No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
      Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
      And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
      Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
      For they raised the hackles of those psychological
      Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

      No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
      Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
      Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
      And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
      So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;
      He just could not figure out what to do next.

      He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
      But you've got to be careful with that word today.
      His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
      Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
      Something special was needed, a gift that he might
      Give to all without angering the left or the right.

      A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
      Each group of people, every religion;
      Every ethnicity, every hue,
      Everyone, everywhere...even you.
      So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
      May you and your loved ones, enjoy peace on Earth.
       
    5. aldive

      aldive Elite In Memoriam

      Joined:
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      1999 XLT
      A little Redneck Christmas from Jeff Foxworthy....

      Wow, somebody done been to the WalMart!
      (Jeff) Man, this is the stuff I got for Christmas.
      Well you cleaned up! Whadya git?

      Five flannel shirts
      Four big mud tires
      Three shotgun shells
      Two hunting dogs
      ... And some parts to a Mustang GT.

      Hey Bubba, you got gypped -- there's 12 days to Christmas.
      (Jeff) I know that, I got it covered. Look over in the corner.
      That's yours too?
      Yea!

      Chorus:
      Twelve-pack of Bud
      Eleven Wrastling tickets
      Ten o' Copenhagen
      Nine years probation
      Eight table dancers
      Seven packs of Redman
      Six cans of Spam
      Five flannel shirts
      Four big mud tires
      Three shotgun shells
      Two hunting dogs
      ... And some parts to a Mustang GT.

      Man, this ain't normal Christmas presents!
      No, they're redneck gifts!
      Redneck gifts?
      Yea, you know, like
      if you buy your wife earrings that double as fishing lures.
      Or, if you can burp the entire chorus of "Jingle Bells"
      Perhaps if you think "The Nutcracker" is something you did off a high-
      dive.
      Or, if you've ever misspelled something in Christmas lights.
      Or, if you leave cold beer and pickled eggs for Santa Claus.

      What's wrong with that?
      I didn't say anything wrong with it...
      It's hard to beat...

      Chorus:
      Twelve-pack of Bud
      Eleven Wrastling tickets
      Ten o' Copenhagen
      Nine years probation
      Eight table dancers
      Seven packs of Redman
      Six cans of Spam
      Five flannel shirts
      Four big mud tires
      Three shotgun shells
      Two hunting dogs
      ... And some parts to a Mustang GT.

      Well, you can't really consider it a Christmas
      'less you go down to the penitentiary and visit your mama.
      You're not listenin' to me!
      Get the car key outta your ear.
      That's where the nine years probation comes in...
      I'm gonna do it for ya again.
      Now listen...

      Chorus:
      Twelve-pack of Bud
      Eleven Wrastling tickets
      Ten o' Copenhagen
      Nine years probation
      Eight table dancers
      Seven packs of Redman
      Six cans of Spam
      Five flannel shirts
      Four big mud tires
      Three shotgun shells
      Two hunting dogs
      ... And some parts to a Mustang GT.
       
    6. BeauJ

      BeauJ Moderator Emeritus

      Joined:
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      That Jeff Foxworthy 12 Days is probably the best I've heard out of any version
       
    7. JDraper

      JDraper Somewhat Functional Moderator Emeritus

      Joined:
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      City, State:
      McVeytown, PA
      Year, Model & Trim Level:
      '18 XLT
      Ricer's Christmas Story

      Swiped this off the Mach 1 Board :D :D :D

      A Ricer's Christmas Story

      Twas the night before Christmas and I was caught at a light.
      And then up pulled a rumbling V8, no cops in sight.
      I will try, I will try, with this 2 liter motor.
      To beat this **** Mach 1, and its earthquake-like shaker.
      As the light goes to green, I pull like no joke,
      That Mach 1's rearend erupts in a big cloud of smoke.
      "Rev Smasher!, rev Twister!, rev Stroker!, rev Blitzin!."
      I yelled to the names of my 4 VTEC Pistons.
      Racing ahead, I'm the star of the action,
      but I'm in deep ****, when that Mach 1 gets traction.
      I grab second gear and the RPMs sing,
      My rear-view mirror blocked by my shopping cart wing.
      I now hear the rattle of that black shaker gaining,
      All I can do is keep those 4 pistons straining.
      In a second the shockwave hits with a blast,
      My Japanese stickers go flying, a thing of the past.
      I don't bother with third, cause now it's too late,
      I just try to act cool, like I can relate.
      Looking up at the tail lights, as they get smaller,
      The Mach 1 backs off just to give me a holler.
      "You can't win 'em all" the driver says with a twang
      "but you won't win any against THIS Mustang!"
      My neon lights a-glow, as the Mach 1 pulled out of sight,
      With my new mods tomorrow... I'll win the next fight.
      Another night we meet, again on that same road,
      My fart-pipe exhaust, blows steam in the cold.
      I revved hard, this time so sure I would win,
      But that **** Mach 1, kicked my *** again.
      The driver rolls down the window, at the end of the street,
      And yells out, "When I mash the gas, this shaker sure is a treat !!"
       
    8. Firefighter

      Firefighter Member

      Joined:
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      City, State:
      Wisconsin/Michigan
      Year, Model & Trim Level:
      '01 Sport 4x4
      Something posted on thedieselstop.com forum:

      Twas the night before Christmas and caught at the light.
      Up pulled up a Powerstroke with no cops in sight.
      I will try, I will try, with this 2 liter motor.
      To beat this damn Powerstroke, with it's vacuum-like turbo.
      As the light goes to green, and I pull like no joke,
      The Powerstroke Diesel erupts in a black cloud of smoke.
      "Rev Smasher!, rev Twister!, rev Stroker!, rev Blitzin!."
      I yelled to the names of my 4 VTEC Pistons.
      Racing ahead, I'm the star of the action,
      but I'm in deep ****, when that Powerstroke gets traction.
      I grab second gear and the RPMs sing,
      And my mirror is blocked by my shopping cart wing.
      I now hear the woosh if the big turbo gaining,
      All I can do is keep those 4 pistons straining.
      In a second the shockwave hits with a blast,
      My import stickers go flying, now a thing of the past.
      Don't bother with third, cause now it's too late,
      Just try to act cool, like you can relate.
      Looking up at the tail lights, as they get smaller,
      The driver backs off just to give me a holler.
      "You can't win em all" he says in a fling
      "and you may not win any, with that silly thing!"
      I smiled and revved as he pulled out of sight,
      With my new mods tomorrow... I'll win the next fight.
      Then next night we meet, once again on the road,
      My new coffee-can exhaust, blows steam in the cold.
      I revved up again, this time sure I would win,
      But that damn Powerstroke, kicked my butt again.
      The driver rolls down his window, at the end of the strip,
      And yells "I just blew you away with my new SCT chip!!"

      Happy Holidays From Innovative Diesel
       

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