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Fun Hump Day Jokes

Blee1099

Evil Asian
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A midget in Texas, went to the doctor because his testicles ached almost all of the time. The doctor told him to stand on the examining table and drop his pants.

The doc put one finger under the midget's left testicle and told him to turn his head and cough - the usual method to check for a hernia.



Hmmm..", mumbled the doc as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again, "Hmmm, I see the problem," said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side, then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to hop down off the table, pull his pants up, and then walk around and see if his testicles still ached. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.


The midget said, "That's perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it! What did you do?"
The Doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
 



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tenikiwon

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02 F250/Zuk twins
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some MORE of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are STILL losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says.
"Hi, my name is Kevin; it's winter in Ohio, and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
 






tenikiwon

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Happy Birthday!

"Hello, is this here the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He's drillin' holes in his farwood and hiding marijuana inside!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff & his deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they split every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they split yer farwood?"
"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!" (Who says rednecks aren't real bright?!)
 






MONMIX

I fix dents
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Qwhat do you call a bear with no teeth?









A A gummy bear
 






MONMIX

I fix dents
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Two antennas meet on a roof and fall in love.
The cerimony was boring but the reception was out standing.
 






MONMIX

I fix dents
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women with big breasts work at Hooters

Women with one leg work at IHOP
 






MONMIX

I fix dents
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A pair of jumper cables go into a bar and orders a drink.
the bartender says " Okay I will serve you, but dont start any thing "
 






MONMIX

I fix dents
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The invisable man marries the invisable woman. They started a family but their kids were nothing to look at.
 






MONMIX

I fix dents
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Deja Moo

The feeling you have heard this bull before
 






DirtyDog

I will not!
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15 Sport
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are
great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is
pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have an
older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a
season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry
and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared
a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent
creature, but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what
do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple
of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly".
 






DirtyDog

I will not!
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Kinda a Canadian joke but here it is anyway.....

Way down in the out ports of Newfoundland, Murph's old lady had been
pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He brought her to the
doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy,
and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said, "Hey, Murph! You just had
you a son! Ain't dat grand!!" Murph got excited by this, but just then
the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The
doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Murph! You got you
a daughter!!!! She a pretty lil ting, too...." Murph got kind of puzzled
by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done
yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Murph, you just
had yourself another boy!"

Murph said to the doctor, "Doc, what caused all of dem babies?"
The doctor said, "You never know Murph, it was probably something that
happened during conception."
Murph said, "Ah yeah, during conception."
When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down
with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of
Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil."
She said, "Yeah, I remember dat night..."
Murph said, "I'll tell you, bye, it's a fookin' good ting we didn't use
dat WD-40!!"
 






DirtyDog

I will not!
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15 Sport
Mike was going to be married to Karen so his father sat him down for a
Little chat. He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding
Night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your
Mother, and said, Here - try these on.'

She did and said," these are too big. I can't wear them."

I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'
Ever since that night, we have never had any problems."

"Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. On his
Honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here - try these
on."

She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me."

Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.
I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here -
You try on mine."

He did and said, "I can't get into your pants."

Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude,
You never will."
 






DirtyDog

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THE BLIND WAL-MART CLERK
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.
She doesn't believe him, but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel
and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. ! I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused b y this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel are $20.00, but the
Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
 






tenikiwon

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02 F250/Zuk twins
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the wild behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it
out. He called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a
time. When he returned, the angel told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time, too. When the angel returned, he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that E-mail said?


No?



I didn't get one either.
 






tenikiwon

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I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for my having worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse s**t. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.
 






BrooklynBay

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schimmel03

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An 80 year old man from Florida just drove off the lot with his brand new sports car. He dropped the top and hit the interstate. After cruising for about 10 minutes, he found himself doing 95mph. As he started to slow down he noticed the flashing lights of a Florida State Trooper catching up to him in the rear view mirror. Thinking his fast sports car can outrun the state trooper, he speeds up. It doesn't take him long to realize that hes too old for this kind of behavior. So, he pulls over.
The cop walks up to the car and says, "Sir, its been a very long day, and my shift is about to end. If you can give me one good excuse as to why you ran from me, I'll let you go."
The old man looks him right in the eyes and says, "Well officer, about 40 years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought he was trying to bring her back."

The officer closes his ticket book and says, "Sir, you have a nice day."
 






BrooklynBay

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An elderly billionaire didn't want to leave his money to his family. He posted an ad in a local newspaper that he was making a contest, but no rules will be disclosed unless you show up at the door at exactly 12 noon on a Sunday. There were at least 2,000 people there. The old man announced "let the contest now begin". He opened his drapes, and displayed his huge swimming pool in his backyard. He then announced "anybody that will swim across my swimming pool wil inherit my fortune". A few people tore their shirts off, and were about to dive right in. He then announced "not so fast. I have alligators, piranhas, and sharks in there". Only a handful of people stayed. He then announced "anybody that will swim across my swimming pool, and marry my daughter, which is in her 70's will inherit my fortune, and her fortune". A few people started to whisper among themselves, and then to their surprise, one of them was in the pool with a tuxedo on! He started to swim as fast as he could, since his life depended upon it. When he finally got out of the pool, the old man said to him "are you so desperate for money"? He was hyperventilating, but said no. He then asked him "was it for my daughter's love, or money". He said no. The old man got upset, and said to him "everybody wants something from me. I didn't think anybody would be crazy enought to actually jump, but since you did it, just name your price". The man said "I don't want anything from you". The old man got outraged, and said to him "what then do you want from me"? He said to him "just the name of the man that pushed me into the pool"!
 






BrooklynBay

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One time there was a very shaky man that was trying to get into a city bus about 2:30 when the public school kids were leaving school. The kids were pushing, and shoving everybody. One kid was about to push this man, and try to go ahead of him. The man looked at him, and said "excuse me, I have something". The kid jumped out of his way, and let him board the bus. As the man was about to sit, the same kid was about to steal his seat. The man said to him one more time "excuse me, I have something". The kid quickly moved aside, and let him sit down. This man got up a few minutes later, and was about to leave the bus. The boy said to him "what is it that you have"? Is it a contagious disease, a knife, or a gun? He answered "GAUL"!
 



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FROADER

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1991 Eddie
Billy Bob decides to go back to school.
He goes to see a guidance councelor to find out what he'll be learning.

Councelor: You'll be learning history, science, math and logic.
Billy Bob: What's logic?
Councelor: Well... do you own a weed wacker?
Billy Bob: Yes.
Councelor: So that means you have a yard right?
Billy Bob: Yes I do.
Councelor: Then you probably have a house?
Billy Bob: Yes.
Councelor: So you have a family right?
Billy Bob: Yes.
Councelor: That means your a straight man, and that's logic.
Billy Bob: Oh ok.

Billy Bob goes home and a friend calls him and asks, "So what are you going to be learning in school?"

Billy Bob: History, science, math and logic.
Friend: Logic... what's that?
Billy Bob: Well... do you own a weed wacker?
Friend: No I don't.
Billy Bob: Then you're gay.
 






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