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Fun Hump Day Jokes

BigRondo

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Dano!

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A contractor and a retired terrorist were walking on a beach, when they happened on a lamp half buried in the sand. They rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared and spoke with a booming voice. "After a thousand years you have found me, you both may have one, and only one wish."

The retired terrorist scratched his beard in thought, and after a long silence said, "too many of my people have died in this war, i wish that all my people to be returned to my country protected by a impenetrable wall as high as the sky so no planes could come over, so deep so nothing could go under, no way in, no way out."

The genie boomed "your wish shall be granted!" And the retired terrorist dissapeared in a puff of smoke.

The contractor takes a moment before he speaks... and with a southern draw asks, "so you mean to tell me that all them terrorist and everyone are in their country, surrounded by a wall as high as the sky, so deep you couldn't go under and impenetrable so nothing goes in or out?"

The genie nods his head "yes"

"Fill it with water"
 






BigRondo

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A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
 






Jstcruz

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Lol!!
 












BigRondo

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Tread lightly my friend. Tread lightly. :p:
 






Dano!

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I love the half serious bickering.

My wife then brings up all the jokes I've made up for her. And it always ends up with "your messed up."
 






BigRondo

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Glad I can help with that. :D
 






Jstcruz

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Not really a joke but a short one-liner;
If two guys are in an elevator and one guy farts, everybody knows who did it.
- Goerge Carlin
 






Dano!

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My wife is a burn survivor, and has a twisted sense of humor about it. She is the kind of woman that would walk around with a shirt that says "Extra Crispy"

Keep the good ones flowing
 






BigRondo

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Sounds like a good woman you got there.

I'll keep 'em coming.
 






Dano!

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She had a skin graft done this week and the proceeded to tell her surgeon some of the jokes i said to her.
"My husband says he should get a discount when he cremates me because i have Burns on 80%of my body"
She told me the surgeon thought that was hilarious.
 






BigRondo

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I think she has a great attitude. That is very refreshing.
 












lynchy wa

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Good stuff mate, all the best ay!




An old man in miami calls up his son in new york and says, "listen your mother and I are getting a divorce. 45 years of misery is enough".
"Dad, what are you talking about? "the son screams.
"We cant stand the sight on each other any longer"he says. "I'm sick of her face and I'm sick of talking about this, so ring your sister in Chicago and tell her"and he hangs up.
Now the son is worried, So he calls up his sister. She says, "Like hell they're getting divorced"and calls her father immediately. "You're not getting divorced. Don't do anyuthing, the 2 of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, dont call a lawyer, do not file paper, DO YOU HEAR ME? and she hangs up.
The old man turns to his wife and says ,
"Okay thy're coming for christmas and paying for their own airfares".
 






BigRondo

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Good one. :biggthump:

A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her Will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales.

"Why Bloomingdales?" asked the rabbi.

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
 






lynchy wa

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I might have to save some of these ideas for later :D
 






Tbars4

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On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in Aberdeen were listening to the radio during breakfast.


They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so Snowploughs can get through conveniently".

So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......." Then the power went off.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"

Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice that men who are married to blondes always exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time?"
 






lynchy wa

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Hahahahahahahahahahaha, bloody hell! :D
 



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lynchy wa

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An aussie poem

Of course I love ya darlin
You’re a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you’re gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don’t mind a bit of flab
It means that when I’m ready

There’s somethin there to grab

So your belly isn’t flat no more
I tell ya, I don’t care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
Yurs just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I’m tellin’ ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you’ve got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna’s grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter what u look like
I’ll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footballs’ on
And fetch another beer.
 






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