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Fun Hump Day Jokes

BigRondo

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Teacher asks the kids in class, "Do you know what you want to be when you grow up?"

Johnny. "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best girlfriend, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel around the world, an infinite visa card, and make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child decides not to give importance to what he said and continues the lesson.

And you, Tanya?

Yes ma'am, I want to be Johnny's girlfriend!!
 



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BigRondo

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A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk
and if they have avocados, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!

Men will get it the first time.
 












BigRondo

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Maybe you have gone home with 6 gallons of milk too?
 






lynchy wa

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:D:D:D

The New Bicycle



A couple were sitting up waiting for their 16 year old son to come home

from a social engagement when the boy came into the house with a big smile

on his face Hi, Mum! Hi, Dad! he said breathlessly.

"Guess what! I've just had sex for the first time, and it was wonderful!"



His mother turned red and said to her husband, "He's your son. You talk to

him". Then she left the room.



The father said "Son, that's great. Now you've become a man - and I'm

proud of you. I'm going to celebrate the occasion by buying you that

ten-speed bike you've been wanting. I hope you don't mind waiting till

payday to get it".



"That's OK, Dad", said the boy."I couldn't ride it right now anyway, my

ass is too sore".
 






BigRondo

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That one had me rolling. :D
 






FIND

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A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' I just lost it!"
 






lynchy wa

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Hahahahahahahahaha, :D the way laws are going these days that sounds like a true story!
 






BrooklynBay

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A man walks into a toy store, and starts to look at Barbie dolls. A sales person approaches him, and asks if he needs assistance.

He says "I'm looking for a special gift for my daugher. I know that she likes dolls, and thought that it would be easy to choose which one to buy but I'm having trouble making a decision".

The sales person says "We sell many Barbie dolls. Each one comes with different accessories so the price varies. How much are you looking to spend"?

He says "What is the price range"?

The sales person says "They vary in price from $20 to $300".

The man says " Why would one be $20 while the top of the line is $300"? What's so special about it?

The sales person says "The $20 version is just the basic Barbie. Each model after that comes with small add on accessories such as extra clothes, a mirror, a desk, etc". The $300 top of the line version is a divorced Barbie so it's worth the most since she took Ken's house, car, bank account, pet, clothes, computer, cell phone, furniture, etc.
 






lynchy wa

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That barbie probably comes with a lawyer :)


An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that
he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his
direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep sh*t now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down
to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the
panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,


"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more
around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look
of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.


"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had
me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it
for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and
strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,
squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that
conniving canine!"

Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his
back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running,
the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't
seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old
Doberman says ......


"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another
panther!"

Moral of this story...


Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth
and treachery!
Bull Sh*t and brilliance only come with age and experience.
 












BigRondo

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Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked,
"How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man,
Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.

"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf." It's good to see you here today.
Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual." How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied." The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person
can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit,
turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,
"I outlived all them mother f---ers" - and he calmly returned to his seat.
 






BigRondo

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A woman's random thought ...

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free... You either married it or gave birth to it.
 






BigRondo

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A while ago a new supermarket opened in Topeka , KS .

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mowed hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.
 






BigRondo

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This old rancher in Montana hates wearing a seat belt, but one day he's driving on the highway with his wife and sees a state patrol car behind him.

He says to his wife, "Quick, take the wheel! I gotta put my seat belt on!"

So she does, and right then the patrolman pulls them over. He walks up to the car and says, "Say, I noticed you weren't wearing your seat belt."

The rancher says, "I was too, but you don't have to take my word for it-- my wife here is a good Christian woman, ask her; she'll tell you the truth. She doesn't lie about anything."

The cop says to the wife, "So? How about it, ma'am?"

And the wife says: "I've been married to Buck for twenty years, officer, and one thing I've learned in all that time is this - you never argue with him when he's drunk."
 






lynchy wa

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Good stuff mate! Rippers :D



The Hotel Bill

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her
significant birthday by staying overnight in one of Chicago 's most expensive hotel.

When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her
a bill for $250.00. She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast."

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted
on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "the hotel
has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are
available for use."

'But I didn't use them," she said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous.
"We have the best entertainers from New York , Los Angeles, and Las Vegas performing here," the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied,
"But I didn't use it!"

The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a check
and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.

" But madam, this check is only made out for $50.00." '

'That's correct. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," she
replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with Senior Citizens
 






lynchy wa

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We recently spent $2500 on a young Black Angus bull.



We put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.



I was beginning to suspect he was gay, if that's possible with a bull.



Anyhow, I had the Vet come have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy,

but possible a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.


Holy crap.



The bull started to service the cows within two days.



All of my cows!



He even broke through the fence and bred all my neighbor's cows!



He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!





I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him, but they kinda taste like peppermint
 






BigRondo

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A woman went into a post office to buy some stamps for her Christmas cards.

"What denomination do you want?" asked the lady at the counter.

"Good God!" she replied. "Has it come to this? I suppose you'd better give me twenty Catholic and twenty Presbyterian".
 






BigRondo

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As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
 



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corkey

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An old farmer went to town to see a movie. When he arrived at the ticket booth, the ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"

The old farmer said, "That there is my pet rooster, Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes."

"I'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the theater."

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his overalls. He returned to the ticket booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater.

He sat in the only empty seat, next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and soon the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer was compelled to unbutton his fly so that Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispered Mildred.

"What?" said Marge.

"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

"What gives you that idea?" asked Marge.

"He undid his pants and has his thing out," whispered Mildred.

"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge. "At our age, you've seen one, you've seen 'em all."

"I thought so, too," admitted Mildred, "but this one's eatin' my popcorn!"
 






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