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Fun Hump Day Jokes

lynchy wa

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Hahahaahhahahahahahahahahahahahaha



Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the
reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I
would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for
Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
* *

Dear Timmy,
Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all
fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the
time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to
get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you
something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus

* *
Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. Nice” contract,
set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to
granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this
joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at
my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit
trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
* *

Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria,
need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it
a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action,
well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been
on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be
more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I
alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social
skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the
bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
* *

Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was
attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends
into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys
and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console,
my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
* *

Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on
one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? “He sees
you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar,
genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your
sh*t wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people
that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll
all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you
asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in
you’re ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy
* *

Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.
Timmy
* *

Timmy,
That’s what I thought you little *******.
Santa
 



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FIND

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Hell yeah! Bloody right there.
 






lynchy wa

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An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.


She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

>
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."


MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, .....


But all men... are men!
 






BigRondo

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Good one Lynchy. :D Here's one to get you thinking:

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the young guy replied.

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, "Alright. Get in."
 






lynchy wa

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Hahahahaha, gonna be a long week for that young fella :D
 






lynchy wa

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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mummy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.


She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't mess with Mummy when she's been on the piss."



I love these touching stories!
 






BigRondo

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An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

Inside he finds a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall there's a row of decanters with fine Irishwhiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out, you moron, you're on my side".
 






Turdle

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^^^^:D



Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work
today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really
need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything
better and I go to work.... You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You
say and I feel great. I be at work soon.........You got
nice house'
 






lynchy wa

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Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha :D

2 fantastic ones Hahahahahahahahaahhaa
 






BigRondo

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Hung Chow is the man!
 






BigRondo

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Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack's Last Will and Testament:

"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.

"To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the Jaguar. "To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000.

"And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my treadmill."
 






lynchy wa

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The ultimate payback ay mate :D





Jack Daniels Fishing Story
I went fishing one morning but after a short time I ran out of prawns


Then I saw a redbelly black snake with a frog in his mouth.. Frogs are good barramundi bait.



Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.



Now the problem was how to Release the snake without getting bitten. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.



A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that bloody snake, with two more frogs.
 






corkey

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corkey

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Flying on Air Force One, Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.

Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills Out of the window and make ten people very happy.

Michelle added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills Out of the window and make a hundred people very happy..

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the window and make 256 million people very happy.'
 






BigRondo

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:biggthump
 






lynchy wa

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:D:thumbsup:Hahahahahahahaha
 






BigRondo

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One day, a cowboy rode into a Wild, Wild West town. The people in the town love to play jokes on visitors. After tying his horse to the pole outside a bar, the cowboy went in.

"A cup of milk, please", he said to the bartender.

After drinking, he went out, only to find his horse missing. Knowing that the villagers did it, he went back into the bar and said to everybody, "I am going to have another drink and when I finish it, I want to see my horse outside! Or else, I will have to do what I did in Texas - HERE!"

The people were very frightened. When he finished his drink, he went outside and saw his horse. The villagers had put it back. Curious, the bartender asked the cowboy, "What did you do in Texas?"

The Cowboy replied, "Well, I had to walk home!"
 






BigRondo

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One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
 






lynchy wa

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:D

Dad is sitting at the head of the table when his 2 sons, 8 & 5 come down for breakfast. He looks at his eldest boy and asks,"What do you want for breakfast son?". The young bloke looks around the table and contemplates before replying, "I'll have the f*cken' Corn Flakes thanks Dad". Well Dad jumps up and picks the boy up by the scruff of the neck, clips him under the ear, takes him to the front door and kicks his arse out onto the front lawn. He closes the front door and returns to sit at the table. He looks at his other son and says "AND WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR BREAKFAST SON?". The boy looks up slowly and in a very quiet and quivering voice said,














"Not the f*cken' Corn Flakes thanks Dad"......
 



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BigRondo

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Another good Lynchy! :D
 






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