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Fun Hump Day Jokes

BigRondo

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Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk, and leans down to pick it up.

She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"

So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
 



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lynchy wa

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:D



The Agony of Dyslexia
After Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit
my dyslexic friend.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!
 






BigRondo

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Good one Lynchy. :biggthump Here's one about American Football. :p:

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward, he asked her how she liked the game.

'I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents,' she said.

'What do you mean?' he asked.

'Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'
 






BigRondo

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A few more to hold you over:

A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me".

"Why not", he asks.

She answers back, "Because I'm dead".

The husband says to her, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another".

The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead."

Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"

His wife answers, "I know I'm dead because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dispatching her ten-year-old son to pick up a pizza, my sister handed him money and a two-dollar coupon.

Later he came home with the pizza, and the coupon.

When asked to explain, he replied, "Mom, I had enough money. I didn't need the coupon."
 






lynchy wa

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Hahahahahaha jeez




Why do men die first? This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries but now we know.

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race - you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework...you're a pansy.

If you work too hard...there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay.....you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her.....that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you......it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks......it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet..........it's male indifference.

If you cry............you're a wimp.
If you don't........you're an insensitive *******.

If you make a decision without consulting her.........you're a male chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you......she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy....... that's domination.
If SHE asks you.........it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear......you're a pervert.
If you don't..............you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape..............you're sexist.
If you don't.................you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape................you're vain.
If you don't................you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers.............you're after something.
If you don't....................you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements........you're full of yourself.
If you don't....................you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache............she's tired.
If you have a headache.............you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often.........you're oversexed.
If you don't................there must be someone else.


Men die first because they want to!!!!!
 






BigRondo

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A bloody good early morning ripper mate. :D
 






lynchy wa

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Cheer's mate! 6.30am and gonna be another warm one. Feels like summer in Louisiana!!!!
 






BigRondo

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:fire: Be careful about enjoying the heat mate. Check out the number of my last post. :fire:
 






lynchy wa

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Hahahahahahaha yeah mate like my bumper sticker says

"Hell was full....So I came home!"
 






BigRondo

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"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
 






lynchy wa

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I might of put this one up before but here's hoping its never happened to you

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me.

As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember.

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss. "Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, lets go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!" So we went to lunch.

We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable"

"Sure!" I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife ----------

children, and dozens of our friends,
all singing Happy Birthday----------------

And I just sat there ----

on the couch ----

naked.
 






BigRondo

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Good one mate!

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind. Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year.

Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
 






lynchy wa

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Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, wicked mate, absolute classic!!!




Why Grandfathers are different:

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:



There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy--just him and his granddaughter .

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.

Not really, PaPa, it was really boring. We didn't see a single as*hole , queer, lesbian , piece of crap, horse's ass, socialist left wing pinko democrat Obamalover , blind *******, dipsh*t , Muslim camel humper or son of a bitc* anywhere we went!"



Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
 






BigRondo

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:biggthump
 






Jstcruz

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2 buddies were sitting on the porch while the one guys pit bull was licking his crotch. The guy looks at his buddy and says, man, I wish I could do that. The other guy said, you probably could do that but he'd bite your face off!
 






BigRondo

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Good one. :D
 






lynchy wa

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Hahahahahahahahaha :D
 






Paul

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So I'm riding the bus, and a beautiful Thai woman sits down across from me.

I think to myself "Don't get an erection, don't get an erection. . ."

. . . .



But she did.

Paul
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lynchy wa

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:D:D:D:D:D

Wicked! :D
 



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FIND

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It's funny cause it is usually true...
 






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