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One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood
on his usual route, delivering the mail.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow, David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night!' the postman comments.
David, in obvious pain, replies, 'Actually, we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I?'
The postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..'
The postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
Yesterday I accidentally overturned my golf buggy.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and a keen golfer, who lived in a house adjacent to the golf course, heard the noise and called out,
"Are you okay?"
"Yes I'm fine thanks," I replied.
"Just forget your troubles. Come to my house, rest a while and I'll help you get the buggy up later," she said, smiling.
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty and persuasive.
"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won’t like it."
After a restorative brandy and lessons, on her private driving range and putting green, I thanked my hostess.
"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."
"Don't be silly! Elizabeth said with a smile, "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me? '
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, ''Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my mates watching while your partner whipped my arse with wet celery?''
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
An Australian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo , Japan ....
Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,'Manicures, $20.00'....'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'
The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his Manhood....into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.
With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit.........which now had a button sewn neatly on the end..
A sexually active woman told her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept asecret, and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality, and that the first rose was from him. 'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself. The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago.'
'And what about the third rose?' she asked. 'That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.
A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
But it doesn't have feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeez, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way.
I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me. !'
'I got every word,' says the parrot.'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I'm especially good at ornithology.You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, right? So the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'
'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.
'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'What happened THEN?'
'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'And she let him.???'
'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
To which the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'
'DUNNO?!? I got an erection and fell off my perch.!'
Mother was out, and dad was in charge.
She was maybe 2 1/2 years old.
Someone had given her a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of her favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, mom came home.
Dad made her wait in the living room to watch her bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
Mum waited, and sure enough, here she came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know),
"'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again ....... back and forth ..... back and forth ..... in and out ..... in and out.
She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end.
Her heart was pounding ... her face was flushed ... then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,
"OK, OK! I can't park the f*cking car! You do it, you SMUG *******!"
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his
cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly. When the young woman sitting
next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone,
"Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.""Very good," said the teacher. Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like s*#t!" Then I would say, "It is s*#t. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man.
"I was enjoying a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white in its bottom. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball, stuck right in the middle.
That's when I made my mistake."
What did you do?" asks the doctor.
Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' "
A motorcycle cop on patrol watched as a man in a red Porsche slowed down at a stop sign, without coming to a complete stop, then sped off.
The motorcycle cop pulled the vehicle over and approached the man. "Sir, can I please see your license and registration."
The man replies, "Not until you tell me what the heck I did wrong, Officer."
The officer explain, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign a few blocks back."
"Let me guess," said the man, "all the donut shops are closed today!"
"Sir, I'm going to overlook that last comment. Now, if you would please show me your license and registration."
The man counters, "Not until you tell me the difference between slowing down and coming to a complete stop."
"Sir, step out of the car."
As the man reluctantly gets out of his car, the officer begins beating him over the head with his nightstick and exclaims, "Now, sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop!"