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Fun Hump Day Jokes

lynchy wa

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:D bloody hell:D
 



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lynchy wa

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....
 

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Jstcruz

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I was in a Starbucks recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart. The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me….
I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my IPod……..
 






lynchy wa

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Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha classic!!!!
 






lynchy wa

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An elderly Italian gentleman who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weaknesses of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over...?"
 






blueka

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A wedding took place just outside St. John's , Newfoundland .


In keeping with tradition, everyone got extremely drunk and the bride and
groom's families had a storming row. They began wrecking the reception room
and generally kicking the living daylights out of each other.

The police were called in to break up the fight and the following week, all
members of both families appeared in St. John's court. The fight continued
in the courtroom until the Judge finally brought calm with the use of his gavel,
shouting, "Silence in the Court!".

The courtroom went silent and Paddy, the Best Man, stood up and said,
"Your honor, I was the Best Man at the wedding and I think I should
explain what happened". The Judge agreed and asked him to take the stand.

Paddy began his explanation by telling the court that it is tradition at a Newfoundland
wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the bride. The judge said, "Okay.
Continue."

"Well, said Paddy, "after I had finished the first dance, the music kept
going, so I danced to the second song, and after that the music kept going
and I was dancing to the third song, a slow one, when all of a sudden the groom
leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right
between her legs."

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, "Lord Jesus, that must have hurt!"

HURT?" Paddy replied,

"HE BROKE THREE OF ME FINGERS !!!!!!"


Si
 






blueka

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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'




Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
The man said, 'I do, Father..'
The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'
Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.
'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'
The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

Paddy was in New York .
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'




Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!' 'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where be ye callin' from?'





An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
'Just water,' says the priest.
The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'




Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman..'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'
'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken shi*'!!

David staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, David sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood..
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, David woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
David said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ...... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.


Si
 






blueka

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I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night. They were called "Bomb Jovi". They were brilliant. Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down. Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD. I was interested so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?" Well, that was when the trouble started!


Si
 






lynchy wa

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Hahahahahaha :D With that first lot mate, anyone'd think St Pats is only 11 days away!
 






corkey

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A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”
She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”
“If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what do you use it for?” “We use it when we make love,” she said.
The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it?”
The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.”
What were you thinking ……..

ha ha,,, gotcha,,,
 






lynchy wa

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:D:D:D I must be a dirty bugger!!
 






blueka

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President Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids. After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name.
" Walter," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Walter?"

"I have four questions"
First, "Why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?"
Second, "Why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually gotten worse?"
Third, "Why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?"
Fourth, "Why are we lending money to Brazil to drill for oil, but America is not allowed to drill for oil?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess...

Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we?

Oh, that's right: question time..
Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.

"Jack," he responds.

"And what is your question, Jack?"

Actually, I have two questions.


First, "Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?"


Second, "What the frick happened to Walter???"

Si
 






blueka

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This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo. On the
way home I stopped at the gas station where a gorgeous blonde was filling up
her car at the next pump.

She looked at the ammo in the back of my truck and said in a very sexy
voice, "Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"

I thought a few seconds and asked her, "Well maybe. What caliber ammo ya got?"

Si
 






lynchy wa

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:D:D:D Rippers mate
 

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blueka

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"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No," I said.

She gave me a sexy little smile,slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

"Have you ever seen a fifty dollar bill all crumpled up?" she asked.

"No," I said.

She gave me another sexy little smile,seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," I said, intrigued.

"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."
 






blueka

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An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks,
'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?'
She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you’re knot getting your money back'.
 






lynchy wa

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saw that one on facebook, hope you weren't the mechanic???

Si


Wish I was mate!!!:D




A rancher dies and leaves everything to his wife.She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
 






BigRondo

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A bloody good ripper mate!! :D


Five Minute Management Course


Lesson 1:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, allowing her habit to reveal some leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After regaining control of the car, he craftily slid his hand up her leg...

The nun said, 'Father! remember Psalm 129!'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father! remember Psalm 129!'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Upon arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

Upon his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.

It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'


Moral of the story:


If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



Lesson 2:


A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk..
'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..'
Poof! and she was gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep.
'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse,
an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! and he was gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'


Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.




Lesson 3

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 4


A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey,
'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
It's full of nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:

Bull shi* might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...


Lesson 5

A little bird was flying south for the winter..
It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy..

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who ***** on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of the shi* is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shi*, it's best to keep your mouth shut!




THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.
 



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FIND

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I was at home the other night in the middle of my dinner when the phone rang.

ME: Hello.
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T.

ME: Is this AT&T.
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...

ME: This is AT&T.
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...

ME: Is this AT&T.?
AT&T: Yes! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Irwin, please?

ME: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.

ME: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

ME: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Irwin?

ME: May I ask who is calling, please?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...

ME: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...

ME: The phone company.
AT&T: Yes, sir.

ME: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.

ME: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Byron. We would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

ME: Now, that's 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!

ME: 7 days a week.?
AT&T: That's right.

ME: 365 days a year.?
AT&T: Yes, sir.

ME: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!

ME: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up.

ME: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560; and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?

ME: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?

ME: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh, no, sir. I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.

ME: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute, that I'll give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know.

AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for

ME: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?
AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.

ME: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes, Mr. Irwin. Please hold.

At this point, I begin trying to finish my dinner.

SUPERVISOR: Mr. Irwin?
ME: Yeah.

SUPERVISOR: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
ME: Is This A T &T?

SUPERVISOR: Yes, sir, it sure is.
ME: (I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be Careful not to produce a snort.) No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to
get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.

SUPERVISOR: Ok, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
ME: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I need to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello, Mr. Irwin, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan.?

ME: No, but I was wondering - do you have that "Friends and Family"
thing because I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...

AT&T: click........
 






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