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Positive Vibes

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Not sure if someone has started a joke thread, I know we have the hump day photo. And we need to keep it as PG as we can!! I'll start.


This was in the Washington Post the title of the article was
> >
> > "Best Comeback Line Ever."
> >
> > In summary, The police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white
> > male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38p.m. on
Friday
> > night.
> >
> > Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public
> > indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse
on
> > Monday.
> >
> > The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he
decided
> to
> > stop.
> >
> > "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one
> > around here for miles.
> >
> > "At least I thought there wasn't,"
> > he stated in a phone interview.
> >
> > Lawrence went on to say, that he pulled over to the side of the road,
> > picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut
a
> > hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need.
> >
> > "I guess I was just really into it, you know?"
> > he commented with evident embarrassment.
> >
> > In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County
> > police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer
> > Brenda Taylor approached him.
> >
> > "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,"
> > said officer Taylor.
> >
> > "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this
> pumpkin."
> >
> > Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.
> >
> > "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you
> are
> > screwing a pumpkin?' "He froze and was clearly very surprised that I
was
> > there, and then looked me straight in the face and said,"
> >
> > "A pumpkin?
> > Damn....is it midnight already?"
 


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Positive Vibes

Elite Explorer
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Subject: ANDY FOR PRESIDENT
>
>
> ANDY FOR PRESIDENT:
> Andy Rooney said on 60 minutes a few weeks back: (for those of you that
> don't know Andy Rooney, he is a 82 year old US TV commentator)
>
>
> I like big cars, big boats, big motorcycles, big houses and big campfires.
>
> I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some
> governmental stooge with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to
crack
> addicts for squirting out babies.
>
> Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You
can
> kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you
> from driving to the ball game.
>
> I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there
are
> no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING
> MARTHA BURKE?
>
> I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is
> an opinion.
>
> I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except
> numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are
> things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black
Entertainment
> Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United
> Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or
> Miss White America; and see what happens. Jesse Jackson will be knocking
> down your door.
>
> I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are
different,
> weird, or tick me off.
>
> When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of
> the population is black, that is not racial profiling. It is the Law of
> Probability.
>
> I know what sex is, and there are not varying degrees of it. If I
received
> sex from one of my subordinates in my office, it wouldn't be a private
> matter or my personal business. I would be "FIRED" immediately!
>
> I believe that if you are selling me a milk shake, a pack of cigarettes, a
> newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of
fact,
> if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!
>
> My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the
countries
> you were born in to come over and disrespect ours. I think the police
> should have every right to shoot your sorry self if you threaten them
after
> they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze" or
"stop"
> in English, see the above lines.
>
> I feel much safer letting a machine with no political affiliation recount
> votes when needed. I know what the definition of lying is.
>
> I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are
> qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans
or
> tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or
> any other business.
>
> We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives
in
> wars to defend their freedoms so that decades later they could come over
> here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their
> interpretations.
>
> I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.
>
> I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That
> doesn't stop you from watching them.
>
> I believe a self-righteous liberal, or conservative with a cause, is more
> dangerous than a Hell's Angel with an attitude.
>
> I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and
continue
> to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating
system
> that's better, and put your name on the building. Ask your buddy that
> invented the Internet to help you.
>
> It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a
> parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when
> necessary, and say "NO!"
>
> "I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't
> pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that
> new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as
you
> serve me French fries!
>
> I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and
not
> a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be "African
> Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I
am
> a European American because my great, great, great, great, great, great
> grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere
> else.
>
> And if you don't like my point of view, tough. DON'T PASS IT ON!!
>
 




Positive Vibes

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Three women die together in an accident and go to
> > heaven. When they get
> > there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in
> > heaven - don't step on
> > the ducks!'
> >
> > So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks
> > all over the place.
> > It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and
> > although they try their
> > best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps
> > on one.
> >
> > Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever
> > saw. St. Peter chains
> > them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping
> > on a duck is to spend
> > eternity chained to this ugly man!'
> >
> > The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a
> > duck, and along comes
> > St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is
> > another extremely ugly
> > man. He chains them together with the same
> > admonishment as for the first
> > woman.
> >
> > The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting
> > to be chained for all
> > eternity to an ugly man, is very, very careful where
> > she steps. She manages
> > to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one
> > day St. Peter comes up
> > to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid
> > eyes on - very tall,
> > long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains
> > them together without
> > saying a word. The woman remarks, 'I wonder what I did
> > to deserve being
> > chained to you for all of eternity?'
> >
> > The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped
> > on a duck.'
 




Lifted95X

The Xplorer U Luv to H8
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03 4.6 Mounty
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to

play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into

a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for

the chicken to go get the farmer for help!



Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he

searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone

to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied

the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the

chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to

save his friend's life.



Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the

chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the

loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to
the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly
forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!



Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse,

and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship

between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.



A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,

began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!



The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large

puddle. Looking underneath, he told the; chicken to grab his "thing"

and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip,

and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.


The moral of the story?


When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
 




Positive Vibes

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This is kinda long but I really enjoyed it... - S



This one is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the
Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan.

Wait till you read this guy's response-but read the State's letter before
you get to the response letter.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality
that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced
parcel of property.

You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did
the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two
wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A
review of the department's files shows that no permits have been issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation
of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource

and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being
sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially
failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at
downstream
locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and
cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and
desist
all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow
condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream
channel.

All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2002.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a
follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply
with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may
result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We
anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price District Representative Land and Water Management
____________________________________________________

This is the actual response sent back:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to.

I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson,
Michigan.

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing
and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my
Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I
think

they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures
building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to
attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose.
I believe I can safely state there is no way you could
ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam
ingenuity,
their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must
first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam
activity.

My first dam question to you is:

Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2)
do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam
request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers,

through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all
those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we
will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes
and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act
451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to
324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers entitled
to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute
and are unable to pay for said representation, so the State will have to
provide them with a dam lawyer.

The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed
during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural
occurrence, which the Department is required to protect.

In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than
harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream
"restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers - but
if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention
to your dam letter they being unable to read English. In my humble opinion,

the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as
long
as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They
have
more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department
of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it
should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment
(Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be
referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until
1/31/2002? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there
will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears
are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be
persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are
going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step!
(The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact
you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to
your dam office.
 




Positive Vibes

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I love this one!!!!!!



DARK IN HERE
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her
husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover
are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go
outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little
boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again"
 








TAS98xlt

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Skippy

A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for dinner. This is to be her
first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning
to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli
casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with
no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a
dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father
looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and
said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!". The woman thought,
"This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!".

A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she
didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle
blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,
"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"
 




Positive Vibes

Elite Explorer
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Q: Why is a joke like sex?

A: Neither is any good if you don't get it.
 




redShift

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I had a wet dream about you last night...






















You got hit by a bus and I pissed myself laughing :D
 




redShift

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Young Jonny gets sent home from school one day and his mum is obviously very upset.

"What have you done, you naughty boy?", she asks.

"I've been caught having sex with my teacher" Jonny replies.

His mom goes off on one, and barks back: "WHAT?!? That's disgraceful, you're only a child! Go right up to your room and stay there! And when your father gets back, he's going to have a few stern words with you!"

A while passes, then Jonny's dad comes home. The wife says:
"Our Jonny's just been sent home from school for having sex with the teacher! It's terrible, he's only a young lad. I want you to go up there and let him know how you feel!"

So Jonny's dad walks into his room, sits down next to Jonny, pats him on the back and goes: "Yes my son! Congratulations! I'm so happy my boy's finally had a bit of porkage. You make me proud. In fact, I'm so happy, I'm going to get you your birthday present early, that bike you've always wanted!"

Jonny replies feebly: "Oh, not now dad... my as is too sore."
 




redShift

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I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for three years, and we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my fiancee? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a smart, confident career woman, but most of all she was unbelievable sexy. She often openly flirted with me, which piqued my curiosity and made me quite uncomfortable at the same time.

One day she called me and asked me to come over to review the wedding invitations. When I got there, I realized she was alone. As we looked at the invitations, she whispered in my ear: "Soon you will be married, but you must know that I have feelings for you that I can no longer ignore.

Before you commit your life to my daughter, please make love to me just once".

I was in total shock .... what could I say? As I sat there dumbfounded, she said: "I'll go to the bedroom, and if you share my yearnings, just come up and take me."

Still dazed, I watched her magnificent form as she wisped up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, unsure of what to do, and then turned around and went to the front door. Slowly, I opened it, and stepped out of the house.

Amazingly, her husband was standing outside. With tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said: "We are so happy. You have passed our little test.

We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

I will never forget the day I earned the trust of my in-laws, nor the valuable life lesson I learned on the front steps of my wife's childhood home ............. always, always, always, keep your condoms in your car.
 




redShift

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Two cats are having a swimming race. One cat is named "one-two-three", the other is named "un-deux-trois". Which cat won?

One-two-three

Cause Un-deux-trois-quatre-cinq
 




Robb

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*Young Johnny and his older brother Jimmy and laying in the beds one night while they are supposed to be going to sleep.*

Jimmy: You know Johnny, I think I am old enough to start causing. YEA, I am gonna start causing

Johnny: Really? What are you gonna say?

Jimmy: Well, I have always like "MOTHER FAWKER!" I am gonna start saying that.

Johnny: COOL! You know what? I think I am old enough to start causing too and I have always like "a$$!" (Johnny was bit too young for the good ones)

*the brothers soon fall asleep*

The following morning..................

Mom: Boys, come on down and get some breakfast

*the brothers enter*

Mom: Jimmy, what do you want for breakfast?

Jimmy: Gimme some of those Mother Fawking pancakes!

WHACK!! as dad reaches across the table and smacks the h3ll out of Jimmy and he falls to the floor.

Mom: Johnny, what do you want for breakfast?

Johnny: I am not sure, BUT you can bet your A$$ that I don't want any of those mother fawking pancakes!!
 




Maniak

Moderator-Stock 91-94
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Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?








A. Anyone can roast beef...
 




Positive Vibes

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First-year students at a Medical School were receiving their first
anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a
white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is
necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is
that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in
the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on
it.

When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and told them, "The
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
 




Robb

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It was the first day of school and the teacher
thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their names and what their fathers did for a living.

The first little girl said, "My name is Mary and my
daddy is a postman."

The next little boy said, "I'm Andy and my Dad is a
mechanic."

It was then little Johnny's turn and he said, "My
name is Johnny and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."

The teacher gasped and quickly moved on, but later,
in the school yard, the teacher approaches Johnny privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.


Little Johnny blushed and said, "No, he's really a
guitar player for the Dixie Chicks, but I was too embarrassed to say so."
 








steventadams

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bump for some good ones.
 


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