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Serious Question on a possible life altering issue

MyExpWork

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Background:

Your grandmonther was born with a mild, yet noticable birth defect. Your uncle had it, even more severe than your grandmother. You have the same problem as your grandmother.

You're married. You and your wife want kids. The doctor has given you a 50/50 chance that your child will be affected.

Question:

What would you do?

My thoughts:

As bad as it is to have this, how could I in good conscience knowingly pass this along to my son or daughter? Then, I would have to explain the problem to everyone around me. Friends, co-workes, family, etc.

I feel that I would be knowingly negatively affecting my child. What parent would do that??? I have told my wife that I will not have kids unless this particular thing can be ruled out. Further, I told her that I am more afraid of the child being born with "my problem" vs. another birth disorder (which could be much worse) because of the reflection it would have on me.

So, there are other options:

1. Adoption
2. Sperm donor (anonomys)
3. No kids

We are not crazy about any of these options. We want kids. We want our own kids. I told my wife I may accept #2.

What are your thoughts or opinions? I don't want "good luck" or "sorry to hear about that", just your straight thoughts and/or opinions.
 



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rfuree11

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Is the defect noticeable to others?
Is it painful?
Can it cause complications to one's health or is it just a surface problem?
If it was noticeable, did it cause ridicule?

If it were me, i would have the child anyway, and put it in God's hands, so long as the child didn't have to suffer if he/she did get the defect.
 






TSTONE

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My wife and I chose to not have kids do to a similar situation, it IS a very tough choice to make. In our case it was a matter of it had the potential to be a physical ailment - quality of life issue, had it been a cosmetic issue I think we would have chosen differently.
 






CodePoet

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I am adopted...the two people who adopted me ARE my parents and I am THEIR son, no question. I understand wanting your own children...but adoption is a great option in my opinion.
 






Lifted95X

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I guess it all depends on the issue at hand. I agree...adoption is a great option, but if it is semi minor, and you are able to have your own kids, then i think you should go that route. There are many people out there that cannot have kids at all that wait forever to adopt a child.
 












BBQ_HotDogs

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There is no way I could give you an honest open hearted opinion on this without knowing exactly what we are talking about. Would you like to open up some and discuss the issue more?
 






Positive Vibes

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BBQ_HotDogs said:
There is no way I could give you an honest open hearted opinion on this without knowing exactly what we are talking about. Would you like to open up some and discuss the issue more?

I agree with BBQ, I can't give a good answer cause I don't have all the facts.
 






MyExpWork

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BBQ_HotDogs said:
There is no way I could give you an honest open hearted opinion on this without knowing exactly what we are talking about. Would you like to open up some and discuss the issue more?


Lets just say it has to do with your eyes and vision, or lack thereof.
 












Positive Vibes

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I'm still not clear and I don't mean to pry. So your child may need glasses? Be born blind?
 






MyExpWork

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Positive Vibes said:
I'm still not clear and I don't mean to pry. So your child may need glasses? Be born blind?


Both potentially. Not worried about the glasses issue though.

Worried about the blind issue... :(
 






Positive Vibes

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Thats a tough one. I'm gonna think about it for a little while.
 






dreamr

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Adopt a child.

Firstly there are many children in the adoption system in need of a family. Yes families wait years, but it is because they are often waitng for a specific set of criteria to be met, as well as the entire legal process surrounding adoption is a envolved and lengthy process. I was adopted and have a great relationship with my "adopted" parents.

Secondly, so many more children are born each year with disabilities, and the number is increasing. If you know that you are likely to pass a disability which will require special life circumstances, don't to it. There are already way to many children in the system to be helped. Trust me, I work closely with the Washington State Division of Developmental Disabilities, and this is true of physical as well as developmental disabilities. I realize that you would be devoted parents or you wouldn't be considering this, however imagine the difficulty of learning your world without the benefit of a sound mind or body. Yes, many people overcome their disabilities. I have many, many case examples I use for training purposes, but it was not easy, and many will admit that they would have rather died at some points than go on. Why create a life that may prove to be miserable for it's holder.

Thirdly there are the financial ramifications of having a child with a disability. Medical care in vast amounts is really a rule of thumb with any child with a disability, and I am sure that you would consider every option of helping your child. This is all extremely expensive. Sure the state or federal government can help with that, but they already have more people in the system than can possibly recieve services or aid. Why add to that problem when you know that there is a likely hood of doing so? A friends daughter was born 6 weeks early and had some serious concerns with her lungs which took over 4 years to clear up. They recieve state aid and still have over $500,000 in outstanding medical bills. I was lucky and already had my girlfriend registered with the state system before she had our daughter. She was 11 weeks pre mature and had to spend over a month in ICU. There were no complications at all, and I have 300,000 in hospital bills. Luckily they were mostly paid by the state and private insurance. There was still a good chunk out of my pocket however.

Sorry if I come across as blunt or rude. I do not intend to. This is just a topic I feel strongly about, and have dealt with 1st hand for years. True I see it from the perspective of a state contracted residential support manager, not a hopeful parent. But I hope you can see the validity of these points, and not take offense to my view.
 






MyExpWork

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dreamr said:
Adopt a child.

Firstly there are many children in the adoption system in need of a family. Yes families wait years, but it is because they are often waitng for a specific set of criteria to be met, as well as the entire legal process surrounding adoption is a envolved and lengthy process. I was adopted and have a great relationship with my "adopted" parents.

Secondly, so many more children are born each year with disabilities, and the number is increasing. If you know that you are likely to pass a disability which will require special life circumstances, don't to it. There are already way to many children in the system to be helped. Trust me, I work closely with the Washington State Division of Developmental Disabilities, and this is true of physical as well as developmental disabilities. I realize that you would be devoted parents or you wouldn't be considering this, however imagine the difficulty of learning your world without the benefit of a sound mind or body. Yes, many people overcome their disabilities. I have many, many case examples I use for training purposes, but it was not easy, and many will admit that they would have rather died at some points than go on. Why create a life that may prove to be miserable for it's holder.

Thirdly there are the financial ramifications of having a child with a disability. Medical care in vast amounts is really a rule of thumb with any child with a disability, and I am sure that you would consider every option of helping your child. This is all extremely expensive. Sure the state or federal government can help with that, but they already have more people in the system than can possibly recieve services or aid. Why add to that problem when you know that there is a likely hood of doing so? A friends daughter was born 6 weeks early and had some serious concerns with her lungs which took over 4 years to clear up. They recieve state aid and still have over $500,000 in outstanding medical bills. I was lucky and already had my girlfriend registered with the state system before she had our daughter. She was 11 weeks pre mature and had to spend over a month in ICU. There were no complications at all, and I have 300,000 in hospital bills. Luckily they were mostly paid by the state and private insurance. There was still a good chunk out of my pocket however.

Sorry if I come across as blunt or rude. I do not intend to. This is just a topic I feel strongly about, and have dealt with 1st hand for years. True I see it from the perspective of a state contracted residential support manager, not a hopeful parent. But I hope you can see the validity of these points, and not take offense to my view.

Not taken as rude or blunt. In fact you shed light on things that I hadn't thought of.

Thank-you...
 






Critical_Level2

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CodePoet said:
I am adopted...the two people who adopted me ARE my parents and I am THEIR son, no question. I understand wanting your own children...but adoption is a great option in my opinion.

Same here, adoption all the way.
 






celly

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I'd say adoption too. I have a TON of respect for people who adopt and give kids a chance at a healthy home environment. I have two friends that couldn't have kids no matter how hard they tried. They adopted a beautiful Guatemalan girl and she's an amazing kid. The hubby was skeptical about adoption at first but you should see him now. He loves that little girl so much.

Someone else in this thread mentioned that they are adopted and that he is their SON and they are his PARENTS. I have a cousin I didn't know I had until 10 years ago. My aunt gave him away when he was born. She was too young, too crazy and not fit to be a mom when she gave him up. He tracked her down through my brothers and I (via the Internet). We thought it was a cruel joke at first. Anyhow, we chatted about the subject., how much he loved his parents (adopted parents) and how much they loved him. Well, my aunt had a chance to meet her son, and she was hesitant at first. She decided to meet him and they are very close now. The great thing is, he feels he has 3 parents now (not sure where his biological dad fits in). But his "real" parents in his eyes are the ones that adopted him.

Kids rule. My wife and I just had a baby boy. If you're concerned about the health issue then definitely adopt. You're not settling for "second best" by doing so.

Good luck with whatever you decide. It will be the right decision.
 






mctoy

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My wife and I had similar issues, but more along the 'death of mother/child lines'. We chose to wait, (Birth control can be very effective! 26+ years) and adopt later in life after we had gotten more established-money, home etc. Before too long, we were in our 40's and decided to just not have kids. Adoption is still an option for us. Niether of us feel 'left out' or 'un-fulfilled' in any way. Probably the only negative that I personally have ever felt is when someone who had an "oops" baby acts condescending to us as tho' we are not as 'responsible' or 'mature ' as them....I feel that our decision is one that shows far more maturity and responsibility than any unplanned pregnancy. Hope I dont step on any toes! Certainly dont mean to, just tellin' it like I see it. Adoption is a wonderful thing! Especially if you would consider an older (Relative term) child who has no-one. Good luck to you both on your decision.
MCTOY
 



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Iowa Hick

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That is a very tough call to make, the only advice I can give is that in my opinion it would be better to choose adoption over sperm donation. To me personally there are a few ethical questions about sperm donation.
 






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