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The Complete Military History of France.


Elite Explorer
September 23, 2001
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City, State
Los Angeles, CA
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330 XLT
The Complete Military History of France.

Gallic Wars – Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2,000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War – Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: “France’s armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman.”

Italian Wars – Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion – France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

Thirty Years War – France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution – Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War – Tied.

War of the Augsburg League/King William’s War/French and Indian War – Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three non-outright defeats in a row cause historians to correctly label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession – Lost. The war also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

American Revolution – In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as “de Gaulle Syndrome,” and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: “France only wins when America does most of the fighting.”

French Revolution – Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars – Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War – Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunken frat boy to France’s ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I – Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it’s like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn’t call her “Fraulein.” Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II – Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the lyrics for “Deutschland Über Alles.”

War in Indochina – Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion – Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: “We can always beat the French.” This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

The War of Greenpeace – Lost. Thanks to Emperor Misha, for reminding Clubbeaux that after Frog frogmen bravely blew up an unarmed Greenpeace ship in Auckland Harbour in 1983 and bravely killed unarmed people doing so, thereby commencing hostilities, “the attack catapulted Greenpeace to the international spotlight, boosting its popularity and presence to record levels. The incident gave Greenpeace worldwide publicity and brought it a deluge of new members. Lloyd Cutler, former White House counsel to President Jimmy Carter, negotiated an $8 million settlement from the French Government.” As Misha says, “You attack a bunch of filthy, granola-munching hippies and you end up having to fork over $8,000,000 to make them stop harrassing you? You surrendered to friggin’ GREENPEACE??? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

War on Terrorism – Surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald’s.

remember, going to war without the French is like going deer hunting without an accordion.


All 4 wheels locked
December 4, 2002
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Gainesville/Tampa, FL
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'96 FZJ-80
LoL, I am printing this out and taking it to our french exchange students that arrive Thurs to see what they say.
This is priceless.


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August 15, 2000
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Richmond, Va.
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'01 Mountaineer 5.0l AWD
I Love it!!!!!