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Wax is NOT your Friend....

Stang Girl

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This is up there with GJarret's Herculiner on his Hootus! ;) This is not me, in case you were wondering. Got it through email. :D

CAUTION: Be prepared to laugh out loud...I laughed till I almost cried as I could just see this happening! ( And feel it too! )

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (o r wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.

(YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!)

I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.

It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad.

I can do this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting champi onship.


I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek.

(Yes, it was a long strip)

I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!!

Another deep breath and RRIIPP!!

Everything is swirly and spotted.

I think may pass out...must stay conscious..

Do I hear crashing drums???

Breathe, breathe...

OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it.

I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.

I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip.

I touch. I am touching wax.

CRAP!

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet?

I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.





DANG!!!!!!!!

I hear the slamming of a cell door.

"hoo-hoo"? Sealed shut!

Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop.
My head may pop off!"

What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding ho t water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of some one else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point?

I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.

It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.

"IT WORKS!! It works!!"

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and t hen notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.

I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color...... Now thats funny ........
Notttttttttt


See, this is what we have to go through for you guys!!! :rolleyes: ;) :p
 


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JDraper

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ROFL!!!

By chance was her name Ashli??? :D
 




Stang Girl

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JDraper said:
ROFL!!!

By chance was her name Ashli??? :D

Hmmm, don't know if I want to go there or not....

I don't know who actually did it, but for any woman who has waxed anything, this story is too funny. And just for your information, the cold wax stuff sucks. Got to use the hot, melted wax. It works much better. :thumbsup:
 




JDraper

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Stang Girl said:
.....And just for your information, the cold wax stuff sucks. Got to use the hot, melted wax. It works much better. :thumbsup:

TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D
 




410Fortune

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its your payback for what you girls put us through every month :)

Who do you think makes the wax kits? :eek:
 




Stang Girl

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410Fortune said:
Who do you think makes the wax kits?


That's just wrong...so very wrong. Pure evil I tell you! :mad: :p
 




410Fortune

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so is PMS :)
I expect a break up coming at least once a month....
 




SkanlaxJMO

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roflmao....that was to funny...
 




moose1

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lol ill tell you a story similiar to that,

About two years ago i wanted to get my head (one on my shoulders) as bald as could be, i treid to bick it bald but grew back to quick, so i tried nair, burned like the dickens, didnt even work.So i tried yup the wax you boil to heat up and spred with the little wodden spatula. So i had my buddy spred a glob on and tried to pull it off, the sum of a bitch didnt budge, by the time i got the stuff of my head was all red and raw i had to have a big bald spot on my head till it was healed enough to bick arround and i had to do that till it grew back, 2 months later.
 




AshliX

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JDraper said:
ROFL!!!

By chance was her name Ashli??? :D


Ha! Real funny Draper! Just 'cause I'm married to GJarrett (AKA "I Herculined my Hootus"), doesn't mean that I have the same logical processes as him :D There are some body parts that are too important to be messin' with, especially with wax or Herculiner!
 




davidmmm69

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I once had to wax on a bet that I lost with my wifes
sister, the weirdest feeling ever.

although the feeling of absolutly no hair down there was amazing.
 








410Fortune

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I think Davidmmm69 gets the comment award! hahaha
 




Stang Girl

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davidmmm69 said:
although the feeling of absolutly no hair down there was amazing.

:eek:
 




TSTONE

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That is the funniest $hit i've read in a long time.
 




Spas

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Wow. Ouch. that sounds too painfully explicit to be a fake story :eek:

I'll stick to razors, thanks. Although I *did* talk someone into shaving once.. and he cut himself up pretty good, hahahahaha :D :rolleyes:
 




SunSearching

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lmao freakin awesome. I hate bodyhair of any type, so stories like the one above are pretty much a way of life for me. :(

But funny as hell story nontheless :D
 








99stocksport

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just wow
 


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NC_Xplorer

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After reading that story, I think I may contact the Pentagon to inform them of a new torture technique for getting terrrorists to talk. I would imagine that they could be some hairy fellas. :salute: :cool:
 




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