Don't "grease" the hubs -- that is the #1 cause of failure. If anything, give them a bit of light oil (not WD40!). 3-in-1 oil or other light oil works best. Hubs packed with grease, especially automatic ones, will not work -- especially when cold. If yours are packed with grease, get some mineral spirits and clean them out.
The jerking around of the front end is normal during 4x4 operation. You are putting power to the steering axle, which will definitely feel different than driving without 4x4.
It also takes a somewhat different driving technique to maximize the effectiveness of 4x4 on snow and ice. Let the front end "pull" you around corners instead of trail-braking into corners. That will be a much more effective way to get where you are going.
I suggest finding an open parking area where you can practice the different handling of your vehicle with 4x4. What works with rear-wheel drive doesn't always with 4x4 and vice versa.
Again, any grinding is NOT coming from the hubs -- unless they are automatic hubs and just plain slipping. That will make sort of a grrrrrr... noise and cause the front wheel on that side to engage and disengage as the hub fails to lock to the axle.
The cure for bad auto hubs is to dump them for manual ones... Though manual hubs need to be locked in by hand before you encounter snow and ice, they stay locked in unless they blow up, unlike the auto hubs, which are prone to fail, especially if filled with grease.
In order to properly think of what the hubs do, think of a ratchet mechanism on a boat winch. If you have ever winched a power boat onto its trailer, the winch mechanism has a ratchet pawl that rides on a gear, where it engages to stop ratchet from going backwards as you crank. As you spin the crank, it goes "click, click, click..." That is exactly what is happening inside your auto hubs -- unless the "clicker" (pawl) is worn out, which may be the problem.