Alright, after paying WAY too much for a little piece of plastic (Ford Part #DY-1061), I crawled under my truck and painstakingly replaced the "Crank Position Sensor" (not to be confused with the "crank angle sensor"). See the below pictures of sensor and location as viewed from below:
My utmost appriciation goes out to you guys for helping me; I don't know what I would do without this forum! I still don't really understand how the crank sensor causes the truck to not start, but at least everything runs again!:navajo: