sink
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- January 24, 2001
- Messages
- 177
- Reaction score
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- City, State
- PA
- Year, Model & Trim Level
- 1994 XLT
I had to transfer this here for all you good folk. Moderators can move it if needed. I was ROTFLMAO.
from pirates.com
The real use of workshop tools.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from
the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for
drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes
to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
Principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its' course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
VICE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of
your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable
objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease
inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint
whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to
say "Ouch....."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a vehicle to the ground after
you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a vehicle upward off
a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-poo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes
and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease
buildup..
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid
from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that
your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
Drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin",
which is not otherwise found under vehicles at night. Health benefits
aside, its' main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the
same rate that 105-mm Howitzer shells might be used during, say, the
first few hours of the Battles of the Bulge. More often dark than light,
its name is some-what misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,
as name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last
tightened 50 years ago by someone in Meridian, and rounds them off.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 " too short
from pirates.com
The real use of workshop tools.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from
the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for
drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes
to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
Principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its' course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
VICE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of
your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable
objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease
inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint
whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to
say "Ouch....."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a vehicle to the ground after
you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a vehicle upward off
a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-poo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes
and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease
buildup..
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid
from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that
your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
Drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin",
which is not otherwise found under vehicles at night. Health benefits
aside, its' main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the
same rate that 105-mm Howitzer shells might be used during, say, the
first few hours of the Battles of the Bulge. More often dark than light,
its name is some-what misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,
as name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last
tightened 50 years ago by someone in Meridian, and rounds them off.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 " too short
