Fun Hump Day Jokes

[Charlie]

Cowboy Story

A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM WEST TEXAS COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING. THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103, WHEN HE FINALLY DIED.

HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRAND-CHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 15 FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.

(Sorry about the caps, but it came in an email and I didn't feel like re-typing it)

 

[Turdle]

A redneck was on an extended layover, sleeping in the airport terminal. An attorney carrying all of his technical gizmos sat down beside him, and woke him up with the clicking keystrokes-

The redneck said" do you mind, I was sleeping"
The attorney said" you're just bored, how about we play a game. I'll ask you a question, if you cannot answer you give me 5 dollars. Now, if you ask me a question I can't answer with google, I will pay you 500 dollars-"

The redneck says" no thanky"
The attorney won't give up. " here, I'll even give you the first 5.00"

The redneck puts it in his shirt pocket and rolls back over-

The attorney grabs him and says-" how far is it from the earth to the sun?"

The redneck crosses his eyes for a second, stares off mumbling and reaches into his shirt pocket for the 5.00 bill, which he hands to the attorney.

He rolls over.

Well, the attorney isn't finished," you have to ask me one now"

The redneck thinks for a second, " what has 3 legs going up a hill, and 4 legs going down a hill?"
The attorney squints at him, gets on his laptop and googles everything he can think of--
"hrmmpf"
He gets on his cellphone and makes a few calls, nobody knows what has 3 legs going uphill and 4 legs going downhill.

He looks at the redneck, gets out his wallet and hands him 5 crisp 100 dollar bills.
The redneck puts them in his wallet, and rolls back over to go to sleep.

The attorney -now a bit excited, says "wait a minute-
what has 3 legs going up hill, and 4 legs going downhill?"

The redneck reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a 5.00 bill and says" I dunno, but I do know I'm going back to sleep now-"

 

[JDraper]

A man was being tailgated by a stressed- out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.



He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.' I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life'license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car .'

 

[Stic-o]

Two Cows

Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes one to give to someone else.
Communism: You have two cows. The government takes both and gives you the milk.
Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both and sells you the milk.
Nazism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
Bureaucracy: You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots one and pours the milk down the drain.
Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Anarchy: You steal neighbours bull, and shoot the government.

 

[JDraper]

Excellent Turkey Recipe just in time for Thanksgiving.....


Here is a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing -- imagine that. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

8 - 15 lb. turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing ( Pepperidge Farm is Good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT)
Salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.

Listen for the popping sounds. When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the room, it's done.

 

[tenikiwon]

Excellent Turkey Recipe just in time for Thanksgiving.....

Until the last line I was wondering why this was posted here and about to try it at home! 'course I'm still wondering if it'd work.:scratch:

 

[Stic-o]

if fry it in oil will it come shooting out of the pot too?:

 

[Willard]

I don't usually laugh at funny things on the computer, but I just laughed my ass off.

 

[zukman]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it
was time for change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road
because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with
all the chickens on the other side of the road.

SARAH PALIN: That road the liberal media claim that
chicken crossed? Well that is the Road to Nowhere, and I told Congress.
Thanks but no thanks to that. So there isn't any road for that chicken to
cross and any reporter who says otherwise ought to be fired.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally
helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me
uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One! that every chicken in
this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road.. But then,
this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken
crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of
the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no
middle ground here.

**** CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can
clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that
chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross
the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was
misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will
remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need
some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken
won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the
road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What
we need to do is help him realize how he's acting by not taking on
his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having
problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of
having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part
of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive
across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is
a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other
side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's
guilty ! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking
American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way
that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to
sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird
gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross
it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've
not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die . In the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you
people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes,
my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will
become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this
abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless
phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the
road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed
the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good
enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few
moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the
heart warming story of how it experienced a seri ous case of molting, and
went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the
road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world
crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which
will not only cross roads, but wil l lay eggs, file your important
documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral
part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never
reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road,
or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
__________________

 

[Burns]

Oh that one was good zukman.

 

[nssj2]

for the gamers here. old, but still laugh when i come across it. WWII as a MMORTS.

http://www.4guysfromviewpoint.com/?p=76

 

[JDraper]

The Wal Mart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-spirited woman walked into
Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them as they made their way from the parking lot into the store.
The elderly Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome
to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't twins! The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe someone would sleep with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart

 

[FROADER]

A young blond woman was driving 65 in a 50. A patrol woman (who was also blond) pulled her over and asked to see her drivers license.

The blond woman rumaged through her purse looking and after a minute said "I can't seem to find it, what does it look like." To which the patrol woman said "It's square, flat, and has your picture on it."

After another minute the blond woman pull a square mirror out, looked at, and handed it to the patrol woman, saying "Here it is."

The patrol woman looked at it for a few seconds and handed it back to the blond woman. "Okay you can go, I didn't realize you were a cop too."

 

[Blee1099]

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

 

[Blee1099]

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's how the fight started.....

 

[Blee1099]

A wife was hinting about what she wanted for her upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds. The husband bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started.....

 

[Blee1099]

A husband took his wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took the husbands order first. He said 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
The waiter said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' The husband replied 'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's how the fight started.....

 

[shamaal]

Mrs. Shamaal just had her sixty-something birthday. To cheer her up, I expressed the thought that the years have been kind to her......


Kinda mean ....



And that's how the fight started.....

 

[Blee1099]

mrs. Shamaal just had her sixty-something birthday. To cheer her up, i expressed the thought that the years have been kind to her......


Kinda mean ....



And that's how the fight started.....

lol..

 

[Turdle]

My wife and I were out for diner. The waitress took my order first. I ordered the steak. The waitress asked "aren't you worried about the mad cow?

I said she could order her own meal

then the fight started